Monday, 26 October 2009

grumpy sleeper

after all my chasing of leaves on the wind over the last few days, I've been really tired and need to catch up on some beauty sleep.

Furry and Chewy keep telling me I snore quite loudly, I never heard me, but hey? They even try to tell me that I sometimes speak in my sleep? Honestly!?

Whilst I was in a deep sleep, dreaming of some nice juicy bones and destroying tough toys, I became aware of something outside of dreamland, opening one eye, only to be confronted by the Furry-faced Giant holding some kind of futuristic brain scanner over me. My grumpy look didn't stop him, neither did my polite (if a little high-pitched) requests to stop, so I punched it out of his hand onto the floor.

Then I went back to my nice dreams!

Friday, 23 October 2009

back to brown…

I've been enjoying the comforts of the outdoor green carpet, anything to get away from the nasty brown one indoors, but this morning I was shocked to discover that the outdoor carpet fitters had completely covered the green carpet with… another brown one?

Now, I don't like the wind much, it blows in my ears and eyes and puts me off when I'm trying to go pee, but today… it wanted to play!

I'd heard it howling all night, I think it was helping the trees to moult, because they look very naked now, you can see their sticks! The wind was cheekily floating brown leaves past me everywhere I went, so I had to chase them, no matter where I was - on the path, on the new brown carpet, on the road, Chewy wasn't happy about that one.

I tried getting under the brown carpet, but it was very flaky, it kept folding back in on itself as I ploughed through it? And it was dark under there too, I need to eat more carrots!

Tuesday, 20 October 2009


My longest-surviving toy is a little colourful rubber ball, it's so bouncy my teeth just ping right off it, but lately, I've been asked to 'catch' it for Chewy and Furry-face?!

I don't mind trying to learn things, but they won't stop laughing at my comical timing? I can't quite get the bounce - jump thing co-ordinated yet, resulting in me being on the way up as the ball has already landed again. If that wasn't bad enough, there's the task of working out where my mouth stops and my nose starts, the ball seems to bounce off my nose every time I get it close to right?

Furry-face thought this was so funny that he was going to catch it on video. I wasn't amused, so I made sure that when he bounced the ball the very first time the camera was recording… I caught it! That'll teach him to laugh at me!?

Saturday, 17 October 2009

but how do I get it home?

Now that Chewy's up and about again (looks like the Tripe, Liver and Chicken really works), we were able to go for a little walk together. We had a very short trip to some kind of strange, topsy-turvy world where there was a tiny hill surrounded by some giant stones and huge metal birds flying overhead.

I investigated some of the holes in the ground, shoving my head down as far as it would fit and having a really good sniff. Rabbit with a hint of fox!

The hill was a bit pointless, looks like a city of moles, but Furry-face said it was a burial mound… that must be some size of bone!!!!

The giant stones were a challenge, They were far to big to get in my mouth, I couldn't even push them over, never mind explain why they were standing up in the first place? Maybe my standy-up toys had been speaking to them?!?

Thursday, 15 October 2009


There seem to be a lot of these things growing everywhere, Furry-face keeps pulling me away from them, but they smell so tasty?!

They're everywhere, all different colours, shapes and sizes, but mainly seem to be stuck to trees. That is, apart from the little clump I saw growing in the green carpet outside. Furry hadn't spotted them, so I hung back on the rope, waited until he was level with them and sprinted for it! I tackled them at full speed, grabbing one that filled my mouth, even though it was only a tiny little bit off the top!

Never have I been so disappointed… 'munchrooms' they're called? Bleurgh!

Tuesday, 13 October 2009

belly flop?

I was sitting with Furry-face after our walk this morning, Chewy had gone to the indoor rain cubicle for a refresh… but we heard her calling… we both ran to her! Apparently, she'd felt dizzy and had to sit down. I wondered how she'd found room in there to run around the dizzy-stick, but Furry-face mentioned that it was a bit too hot. I was quite warm in there myself, I could barely see through the indoor rainclouds, it was like being in a tropical rain forest.

Furry tried fanning some cool air into the room, but it wasn't working so Chewy got up to come out for a cooler seat. As soon as she stood up, she seemed to be sucked towards the floor at a rapid speed, almost folding in two. Luckily, Furry-face had managed to get behind her and had caught her before she landed and hurt herself.

This Furry-faced giant is proving to be useful to have around lately! Apparently the cure for being dizzy and almost being swallowed-up by a floor-sucking monster is a cup of tea, a biscuit and some TLC.

I hope that stands for Tripe, Liver and Chicken!

Monday, 12 October 2009

the long wait was over - Chewy returns!

I paced the floor all afternoon, well, between snoozes, worrying about what had happened to Chewy. Furry-face had made a couple of phone calls that got him a little upset too, but we finally got back in the tank, returning to the large collection of Giant transporters where Furry-face had lost her. I sat and stared in the direction he went off, not blinking, not budging, until finally, he appeared… with Chewy beside him. Although, I was a little concerned, she looked weak, was hanging on to him to stay upright, it took them a very long time to get to where I was.

Chewy was carefully eased into her seat, I don't remember a journey that slow, ever. It was like Furry-face was avoiding every bump in the road. I was soon to discover why…

Furry pulled me aside to give me a stern giant-to-beagle talk, he explained that Chewy had needed a minor operation to remove some asbestos from her tummy, or was it an abscess, I forget? Anyway… I wasn't allowed to jump on her, as it might burst her stitches. Having had some myself, I can sympathise, so I celebrated her return by running and jumping onto the sofa beside her and giving her big licks. I then flew for a few seconds… with Furry's assistance… as I had forgotten our little chat. I'll be more careful, I promise!

Chewy's disappearance…

We had a trip to the toy warehouse again today, but before we went, I had been left in the red tank for ages, there were lots of other giant transporters around ours, and I watched lots of giants limping and hobbling, arms tied to their necks, many of them carrying small bundles of flowers for eating as snacks.

I concluded we were at the giant hospital as there were so many injured ones around. I was a little worried as Furry-face and Chewy left the tank together, but only Furry-face came back? what had he done with her? I worried, whined and cried all the way to the toy warehouse where I found a small animal show behind glass, it was great, there were different colours of little furballs chasing each other around, over obstacles and through tunnels, it was much more entertaining than watching injured giants. It took my mind off what Furry-face had done with Chewy!

Sunday, 11 October 2009

my cousin Chief…

We finally made it back to beagle racing today, it's been too long, hardly anyone recognised me, I've grown so much. Some people thought Furry-face and Chewy had traded me in for a different model?

As I'm getting a bit older now, I was allowed a really big run up the track today. I had the chance to try out some of the different running styles I've seen. I seem to favour the manic, three-legs-in-the-air-at-once style, although the laid back style of some gave me time to look at the spectators, I quickly remembered why I was there, that land-squid was getting away from me. I caught it as it ran past Furry-face, but because I wouldn't let go, I think I snapped Furry's finger again, whoops! Still, the spectators seemed impressed, a few of them said "he's going to be fast!" What do they mean "going to be"?

I met a cousin of mine there, Chief, he's very fast, even managed to beat my mate Murphy, but I think Murphy was just tired after his holidays, we'll see next time! Cheif's a good fighter, we wrestled for a while, he let me think I was winning for a while before he pinned me down and stomped all over me. He fights dirty though, he bit my ears, they should've called him Tyson!!! Anyway, Chief has a neat little party trick, he can do something called a 'handstand', now I'm not sure what 'hands' are, but he balances on his front paws whilst waving his back paws and tail in the air, it's very cool, but I can't think of anything it would be useful for? Perhaps it's the first part of a dance move or some kind of martial arts self defence technique? That could come in handy!!!!

Saturday, 10 October 2009

Fair Game!

Another trip to the pet warehouse this afternoon, where I discovered the source of the realistic sounding imitation pheasants that Megan and Henry had let me play with. Well, I had to have one, so I helped myself from the shelf. It was a tough choice though, the ducks sounded very tempting too!

The pheasant seems to have as much trouble on the fake-wood floor as I do, it was losing control and skidding into things, but I can skid faster! It doesn't fly very well, it tumbles in the air and crashes into a heap on every flight. I suspect it's down to the incredibly small fake wings it has.

I have to admit though, I have a lot of respect for these fake pheasants, no matter how much I shake it, stomp on it, tug its head and feet or smack it off things really hard, it keeps making that realistic-sounding noise!

It has to lose some merit though, even with Furry-face and Chewy helping it, it still can't figure out flying - when will it just give up?
(maybe after I remove one of its legs??)

Friday, 9 October 2009

long walk around an ocean?

I'm sure Chewy & Furry-face are trying to make my legs shorter?! I'm just back from a seriously long walk around, what I think was the ocean? There was a huge palace and lots of swans and ducks and other mad squealing birds, I'm sure they called it Lynne-lifts-goats?

We met other dogs too, but there seems to be a lot of dog-cloning going on around there? I kept passing Jack Russells, every fifty yards, another one? It was a breath of fresh air to meet a black Scotty, even if he did shout a lot!

There was lots to sniff and chew on the way round the large ocean, but also lots of things to try out. As there were no children around, I was allowed to have a go on another slide. This one was a bit higher though, and didn't have any safety rails to hold on to, but it was nice and slippy, I skidded down it chasing a treat that was trying to escape me!

I also attempted to practice my tree-climbing ability, there was a training-tree that was the perfect height for little climbers like me. Chewy had to assist though, my squiggel-chasing might get better if I can master these trees! There were some tasty-looking things at the other side of the tree, I must investigate these more closely soon!

Thursday, 8 October 2009

Odd pets?

Furry-face and Chewy took me for a run around the park this morning, my ball-retreival skills are coming along well.

We met quite a few other dogs out walking, a variety of size, colours and makes of dog, but as we stopped for a rest from stick carrying and ball chasing, I couldn't believe my eyes?! There was a man taking his wheel for a walk!?

Now, it obviously wasn't very well trained, as he still had it on a very short lead and seemed to be walking it back and forth along the same line. It was a very impressive straight line though, even if he didn't give the wheel any rewards. No treats? Not even verbal praise when it did well?

It was very well behaved, but I suspect it was a young one, I'm sure it'll grow up to be a bicycle!

Wednesday, 7 October 2009

they're following me…

I recently realised that Chewy & Furry-face have been following me around outside, now I know they're normally attached to me by a chain, but worse than that, I'm sure they're trying to hide my identity.

Maybe it's because they abducted me from my mum, and they don't want anyone to find out who I am? I've heard that you can find out who your relatives are by taking bits of you and sending them to DAN or something?? I suspect that's why they're picking up my poo after I leave it around!

Today we went to the beach again, and whilst swimming in the salty water, I had an idea… whilst at full extension of the magic rope, and still partially in the water, I took my chance to send out my 'message in a bottle' as it were, to let someone be able to find me. They both realised quickly what I was up to, splashing towards me in a panic… too late! They managed to store some of it in a bag, but I stood nearby watching as they struggled to reach the bobbing sample of hope on it's way to DAN for testing!

High Noon… well… quarter past three

After my successful message was sent, we saw a big dog heading our way, I ran away to give it as much room as the magic rope allowed, but Furry-face shouted something at it's Giants, and they started to come over. I sat down and tried to bury my head in the sand, but after a few minutes of sheer panic, the huge dog licked me and said he wanted to play.

On closer inspection, I noticed he had a scar down his back in the form of a ridge, maybe he'd been picked on by a bigger dog too and wanted to be friends? We played!

Some other dogs walked past, but neither of us liked the look of them, so my ridged-back friend went all Western on them and scared them away! It felt like that Clint Eastwoof movie "A Fistful of Dog treats"!? We played some more!

I kept him amused with my best impression of the Sphinx from Egypt, well, with all that sand around, bright sunshine and blue sky, the Bass Rock in the distance could easily be mistaken for a pyramid?!

Monday, 5 October 2009

Heeled up!

All last week, Furry-face has been encouraging me to get better, as we walk and I try to run off, he keeps shouting "heal!" It must have worked, as I've just been back to the dog hospital and they say my wound is looking really good, no more Hippie Scrub, yay!

Unfortunately, I got stabbed by another person in a white coat, I didn't mind though, she wanted to play a little first, I could've done with a sleep though, that black mat is really comfy!

Sunday, 4 October 2009

A big dog did it… and ran away!

I'm still a bit nervous when I meet bigger dogs than me, so Furry-face and Chewy have been forcing me to speak to any we pass. They've all been nice so far, but it still makes me shake, just in case.

I was taken to meet two 'Great Mounds' I think Furry-face called them? When we arrived, I was quite excited, I could see the two dogs in the distance, they looked quite calm and small, but the closer I got to them, the bigger they got, isn't it funny how that works?! As we approached, I realised how they got their names, they were really tall, powerful looking, but also very skinny. After five minutes of sitting, shaking and cowering in front of them, I found out they were called Henry and Megan, I realised they were actually quite friendly and had loads of cool toys!

They had a small vegetable garden up some steps at the back, now I'm still not good at stairs yet, so I fell up them and also down them a couple of times, but the veggie patch had carrots in it! Someone had buried them though, so I helped out a bit. I tried a few of the other things that had been buried too… and some that were just lying around. A note to fellow animals - plants called 'Nasty urshims' are well named, they do NOT taste nice, they burn your mouth and their seeds come out looking exactly the same as they went in!

I played with some toys to get rid of the nasty taste, being chased by both around a small stick growing in the middle of the green carpet, all whilst I was carrying a very impressive imitation pheasant that sounded quite realistic when squeezed. They had a large two-wheeled contraption in the corner, it tried to hide the pheasant a few times, but I managed to squeeze under it a few times, although it's defense mechanism left some black oily marks on me, as well as trying to chase after me as I sneaked past it.

We went for a walk in the country next, Henry was really fast, he beat to my Frizzy Bee every time, I got bored, so I jumped through a spiky, sharp fence and into a stream, the water seemed to make me faster, on the way back, I was able to keep up with Henry as we ran up the road!?

Friday, 2 October 2009

Tess on Telly

I was just settling down on for a snooze on Furry-face when something in the prison portal caught my eye - it was my mate Tess! I sat and watched as she was forced to do some kind of food promotion, and it's not even for a food she eats!? Certain ways she sat, it didn't really look like her? I barked at her a few times during her performance, but either she couldn't hear me or it was an impostor!? She had managed to catch one of those pesky cats in a cage behind her, impressive!

The Dog Can’t Read and the Cat Can’t Count

Chewy didn't know she was in there either, she was surprised and exclaimed "Tess is famous, she's on the telly!" Now that just reassures me that it's Furry-face that's capturing all these prisoners. I wish I knew where he kept the key though!

Wednesday, 30 September 2009

delivery for Breac

I recognised the 'ding-dong' as being our front door alert, not the one on the surround sound prison portal device in the corner. I ran to see if I could get there before Furry-face, but he cheated, holding me back by my neck-restraint.

It was the man in blue with the big bag, he comes by every day to put bits of paper through a slot in the door, Furry-face usually has to chase him away as he seems to like putting the neighbours' bits of paper in our door.

But this time, it was a big box… for me!! I was so excited, I'd never had anything from the bag-man before!

I wanted to play with the box, but Furry said that wasn't the present? It was a get-well gift from Bar Knee. Furry opened it and gave me the contents, a wonderful ball of string that glowed so bright it almost blinded me!

I set to work on it instantly, it looked indestructible, no ends!! I pulled and tugged, chewed and nibbled, sure enough, ten minutes later, I had an end showing, another 5 mins had Furry-face stepping in to remove it, demolished! Thanks Bar Knee, but I need tougher toys than that, sick and drugged up or not!

Tuesday, 29 September 2009

Peace Man!!

After all the stress of yesterday's fight, the Giants are now trying to poison me!?

Following my nice morning walk as usual, I sat and waited at the door of the room the food is prepared in, but after 'get it then', I was disgusted to find foreign substances in my usual food? Not only were there 'pink croutons' hidden in it, but there was a slug-like trail over some of the chunks. Furry-face mentioned something about 'healing additives', but it tasted horrible, worse than one of Furry's socks! I left it for them to eat.

Then I was pinned down again, all the while being told that I needed to get my 'Hippie Scrub"? I know I was attacked, but I'm all for peace, I don't need extra scrubbing to make me more peaceful! Maybe all these extra additives in my food are drugs and they're going to make me grow my hair long? I do find it odd though that there's no 'scrubbing' involved, just some kind of squirting device that makes my face sting. I don't like it. I knew Furry-face was injured, as Chewy was holding me down, I struggled and gave her a lot of nice red scratches in return for the Hippie treatment!

Monday, 28 September 2009

what's so great about danes?

I went for the longest walk of my short life today. I left the HQ at 11:30am and I've just got back!

There I was, minding my own stick, and two monster dogs turned the corner of the field. Great Danes apparently, must be on holiday from Daneland? One took a wide route through the corn stubble, but the other steered it's giant right past me. I panicked and sat straight down on my tail. But then my short life flashed before me, it was like speed-reading my whole blog.

It lunged at me in a flash, I felt my head disappear as it grabbed me in its powerful jaws, clamping down on my skull, trying to crush me. Is it playing I thought? But then it shook me like it wanted to kill, this was no game. It hurt, it really hurt. I yelled louder than I've ever done before, screaming for it to stop and let go, but its Giant just pulled at it, that didn't help. Then I became aware of Furry-face suddenly jumping to action, I felt a few dull echos of Giant thuds as he pounded it to make it let go. I have no idea how long I was held as prey. Furry-face had managed to hurt it enough that it dropped me.

I slinked into the field as Furry dropped to my side, he held me and checked I was still alive. I realised that it still hurt as Furry barked loudly at the dane's Giant, he carefully scooped me up in his arms. I was leaking red stuff, so he carried me back across the field to the tank.

Before I knew it, I was at the vet school. Good, I could do with a sleep after my ordeal! They wouldn't let me snooze though, as they touched my head, it was sore. I tried to make them stop, but they tied my mouth closed and stole some fur. They hurt me some more with sharp things before they left me alone, but they were all really nice about it, especially when they gave me a hairbrush microphone and joined in singing 'hound dog'.

I realised Furry was missing, but I found out later that he'd gone to a Giant hospital to get his fist bones fixed.

I'm off to eat all the treats that Chewy and Furry have brought me, they seem to be needing a lot of hugs from me tonight. I don't mind one bit.

Saturday, 26 September 2009

getting old…

We went to visit some nice, organised sticks today, they seemed to have talked to each other to work out where they were going to stand and grow. Some of them made interesting patterns whilst others were very talented and did impressions of mushrooms.

I also met some VERY old dogs, they were so old, their hair had turned pure white and they were very stiff and quiet. They ignored me completely, but I couldn't help but see a resemblance. Maybe that's what I'll look like when I'm older, not sure I can sit still for that long though?

There was a vegetable garden there too, but I couldn't find any carrots, even if I had, there was no way they'd be frozen, it was a really hot day. I stopped for some refreshment at the greenhouses, there was a drinking fountain there, especially for me!

Friday, 25 September 2009

three legged race?

So there I was, out for a walk, standing next to a large stick with cables on top, and my back leg just lifted in the air!? I wasn't aware I was entered into any 3-legged races? Or does the stick with wires have some kind of magnetic polarising force affecting one of my back legs?

Further around the same walk, I was standing over a large clump of grass when it did it again! Am I developing a nervous twitch? Only this time, I had the incredible urge to pee at the same time? Well, that's not how I normally do it, I'm supposed to squat. My body confused, unbalanced, I began to wobble away on three legs, peeing at the same time, my wayward leg returned to the ground, still peeing? I did the only thing I could think of… I ran away from it!

This is odd. I've seen other dogs standing on only 3 legs, I thought they were tired and just resting on lamposts and trees? Is the back half of my body attempting to fly? Could I be mastering beagle levitation?

Wednesday, 23 September 2009

keep them doggies rollin'…

During a recent trip to see my pal Tess, she had these cool things lying around that I was allowed to play with. They're hard until you play with them for a while, then they become soft, soggy and really floppy. Then, if you leave them overnight, they go all hard again!? Some kind of metamorphosing chew toy! To top it all off, they're minty flavoured! (whatever mint is?)

Once again, these Giants have tapped into my subconscious and have made my wishes a reality, I have no doubt they used their clever teleportation-re-fluffer-device! I know it's not the same chew, because I tried to smuggle it out of Tess' house, but was caught!

It's really good for my itchy teeth, I think they're a little happier, maybe they'll stop deserting me now? But even better than that, if I leave it under where Chewy & Furry-face sit, they step on it as they go to stand up, or if that fails, leaving it next to the bed last thing at night, covers both midnight toilet trips for sogginess or a nice hard surprise for their soft feet in the morning.

For some reason, Furry-face keeps wandering around the HQ singing "Rollin' Rollin' Rollin', Keep them doggies rollin', Rawhide!!!!"?? Something about brothers that have painted themselves blue??

Monday, 21 September 2009

walking on water

Back to the little beach at the Hah Haw puddle again, and sure enough, my bindings were removed and I ran free. No nice smelling lady dogs around this time, just more amassing squadrons of Mid Gees.

I think there's been a lot of other dogs here since last time, they've drank nearly all the puddle! I had to run much farther to get to the edge. I had been playing with Frizzy Bees and a ball for ages and was getting bored. With the puddle being almost gone, there were lots of interesting stones, even some that had hatched and left shells, but Furry-face had found really flat ones that bounced across the water.

I watched these flat stones skimming the water, I decided that if I ran fast enough, I too could skim over the surface… I ran really fast… I was… er… no. I only made it about a yard, just up to my belly. Furry was still bouncing flat stones, maybe I needed to be going in the same direction? I kept running, slowly because of the water, but I suddenly realised the ground had dropped from under me… I was doing it… I was running on water! OK, so I was a little lower than the stones, only my head was above the surface, but it was close enough.

Chewy said I was swimming, but I definitely wasn't wearing any silly Speedy pants!

Saturday, 19 September 2009

chasing dogs…

This was our third visit to the same big pond, and I'm still not sure what they're calling it? It sounds like "Hah Haw Rest on Wall" but sometimes they call it "Hah Haw and Three Poor", but whatever it's called, it's a big puddle!

It normally takes a long time to walk around, but today was particularly slow. Furry-face was playing with some other Giants with strappy gadgets, stealing pictures or something? I went for a mini adventure with Chewy!

We had to wait for the others to catch up a lot, so I investigated everything from bushes, to walls and even things called mushrooms. These mushes that live in them must be tiny because their rooms aren't very big at all!? The best bit came when we got to the beach, I was told to sit, Chewy bent down… and unclipped my lead?! I just sat there. "Can I go?" The answer was "yes" apparently!

It was great fun, no string to trip over, no recoil action at the end of my safe-distance, and I could chase balls, Frizzy Bees, sand, my own tail… and other dogs!!!

All I could smell was this one other dog. I ran along the beach, through some trees and ran around her until she HAD to notice me. Her Giants weren't interested, but she'd seen me, so I followed, playing as we walked. We must've walked quite far, Chewy and Furry-face sounded very quiet, almost whispering my name. We kept walking.

Chewy was puffing when she eventually came to get me, then I got marched back to the beach by the collar. I never even got the girl's address!?

Thursday, 17 September 2009

no, not my ears too?

I had to say it didn't I? Now one of my ears is incredibly itchy, I fear the worst. It must be only a matter of time before they head for the hills following behind my teeth.

No matter how hard I scratch, it's still tickly, sometimes sore, I might need Furry-face to scratch it for me. Oh, yeah, that's it, just lift my ear, in there, that's it, yeah, right… hold on… what? A large wha…? TICK? Like those things you get in clocks? Well get it out of me then!

What do you mean you don't have a tick removal tool? Go get one, this thing's huge!!

OK, so you've seen MacGyver and think you can make your own out of a paperclip? Cheh rright!

"Hold still"? What? But? Nnnngggg!

Oh, wow! Look at the size of that beast! It blends right in to the colour of my ear, no wonder I hadn't spotted it! An impressive improvisation there Furry-face. You could patent that!

Phew, my ears are safe. Faithful old ears!

Wednesday, 16 September 2009

spitting teeth

I have a habit of just sitting chewing things in the garden, sometimes flowers, petals, seed heads, even rose branches, but it's usually stones.

I had been sitting next to the main entrance this morning, nibbling on a small pebble, when Furry-face caught me and started shouting for his invisible friend Droppit so I thought I'd better spit the pebble out to help him find his friend. As the pebble tumbled to the path, but there was a second noise hitting the ground… yet another tooth?!

Now this is getting serious. Little ones I can let walk out on me, but this one was huge! Could my toy-testing career be over? I think I need to get some toothcuffs to keep them in place, maybe I can stick them back in with glue? What next? Are my ears going to fall off?

Tuesday, 15 September 2009

Mid Gee Squadrons

I have discovered yet another invasion force attempting to conquer our world…

They seem to gather by small streams and under trees, amassing their forces, waiting for their opportunity to strike against the many inhabitants of our planet. The Giants I have heard discussing them have called them 'mid gees'.

I have seen vast squadrons of these mid gees grow larger every day, they're breeding like flies! Although the Giants are massive by comparison, I have seen the damage one tiny mid gee can inflict. From the initial bombardment and attack flight, to the tiny-tickle manoeuvre of sneaking under a tight clothing garment, or crawling across a face, neck or even in the hair. Then the payload is dispatched, a bomb placed under the skin, most cunning, effective and dastardly tactics, the fall-out area can be up to the size of a tennis-ball (whatever tennis is? Future investigation required).

I too am bothered by these swarms, they constantly attempt to penetrate my outer-ear defenses, yes, my lugflaps! My errant shaking and running away from them extremely quickly seems to thwart their efforts, but I fear they are getting stronger!

I have noticed that on colder days, there seems to be less of them out to fight, perhaps some experimentation and invention is required… I wonder if a 'frozen garden peas overcoat' would be effective?

Sunday, 13 September 2009

The Mooing Wall

We were out for a walk in the country tonight, and I heard a strange noise coming from the wall beside us.

It was mooing at us like a cow, but it was just a wall? As I looked closer, I saw that this wall actually had ears… and a nose… even eyes?! It had the head of a cow but the body of a wall? I tried barking and howling at it, but it just bobbed up and down. I suspect the cow had been teleporting somewhere and had a misfire of the co-ordinates, thus, landing inside the wall. The only other possibility was that a female cow and a male wall… nah, that's just silly!?

I attempted to make Furry-face and Chewy aware of the poor animal's plight, but they just wanted to get home before CSI Sunday, whatever that is? I think they meant SKI Sunday, these Giants really can't speak too good, are they?

Saturday, 12 September 2009

the biggest water bowl ever

Yet another weekend walk in a forest, only this time I had to sleep in the red tank before I got there. Berts Hire I think it was called.

There were more trees, lots of stick, some tasty ferns and lots of giants out being walked. I stopped to meet a few of them, but there were too many nice smells I had to investigate.

At the top of the hill, there it was… the biggest drinking bowl I've ever seen! The bottle it was being poured out of was HUGE! Not only could I have got my tongue in it, I could have walked in with Furry-face, Chewy and the tank!

The only problem I had, was getting to it. It seemed they had to keep it behind bars, they'd probably heard how much water I can drink!? I could feel the spray from it ups where we were, and I could hear it too, how cruel is that?

We sat on a bench and watched as Furry-face climbed down to get me some, he took his gadget strappy thing with him, but it doesn't hold much water, when he came back, I had to lick the water from his wet feet and trousers. I'm sure that water was even salmon flavoured!

Friday, 11 September 2009

Ice-cream Invasion?

I met Rab from the Burnt Island today, he's cool, he likes to play at fetch and has a dog called Cindy. She wasn't very happy that I was there though, she ran away and hid on the sofa, and I'm not allowed on other sofas apart from the HQ.

I found toys she'd left lying around and even some food, very tasty it was too, until Furry-face showed up and told me it wasn't mine. I found it, surely that makes it mine!?

Rab has a gadgety strappy thing too, so he and Furry-face took us for a walk whilst they played at gadgets. We stopped for a drink outside a pub, where they had non-alcoholic drinks for dogs and table-leg snacks for us to chew on. Rab caught fire at one point but didn't seem to mind, he kept blowing it away and seemed to enjoy it.

On the way home, a huge ice-cream jumped out on us, I attempted to save the others by growling and barking at it. I think I scared it as the others seemed to be calm beside me. I was worried that this might be the start of an invasion force form the giant 99 flake world, but then I spotted the chain, realising it was obviously just someones pet.

Thursday, 10 September 2009

drinking habits

When we're away from the HQ and I need a drink, the Giants have an ingenious little device they got for me…

It's a folding water bowl that can be flattened to put in a pocket or a bag, then opened out to hold water for drinking from. Now, the inside of it is black, so quite difficult to see the water level, and I've got soggy ears on more than one occasion now, so I've decided to use it as a toy instead!

I watch whilst they unfold it, fill it up then I pick it up my the rim and carry it away to have a chew of it! As for getting a drink, I just take it from the bottle as they pour it now, although it's quite difficult to get my tongue into that tiny hole where it comes out.

The folding bowl also doubles as a nice, waterproof hat!

Tuesday, 8 September 2009

Sweary signs about stones

You know I like sticks and wrapping the magic rope around things, so imagine my joy when I was taken to a forest path for a walk today!?

I weaved in and out of tall trees, baby trees, dead trees, bushes, even managed to drag Furry-face through a spiky bush, but then the magic rope stopped working and I was confined to the main path for some reason?

I discovered some little things that grow on and around trees in a forest, they're called 'ferns' and are very sociable as they have lots of 'friends' or something. They are highly recommended by cats, and I can see why. They have a light, fluffy texture with a strong flavour and a fragrant aroma, making them easy to find. Only problem is they get stuck in my chops, so they hang out the side of my mouth as evidence of snacking.

We passed a sign that Chewy read out to me, I think the sign writer feels really strongly about these stones, maybe they've lost patience from so many persons doing it? I think 'prosecuted' is like 'electrocuted' but done more professionally?! But it does say 'persons', so I should be okay to chomp on a few stones, I'm a beagle!

Sunday, 6 September 2009

Big Bang Theory

Busy day so far, and still not done yet…

I was taken to a dark little alley in town, I feared the worst, I was sure they were going to sell me on the black market! But it was just another opportunity for me to chew the dangly strappy thing once again.

Recently, I've been hearing odd noises in my sleep, coming from the portal cage in the corner, sometimes getting quite loud too. I thought I was dreaming, but they're still there, even when I wake up. They're so loud sometimes, even the wall starts complaining! It sounded like explosions and workmen, maybe the captors in the portal cage are having home improvements? But there were constant interruptions, like the doorbell ringing and no-one being there, Furry-face not even bothering to go to the door, he just sat there laughing, I bet it's another one of his pranks!

Back to the dark alley though… I was sure I could hear the sounds again, Furry-face must've left the portal cage turned on really loud, because this time I could hear the noises from all the way in town!

I decided to ignore them, instead, I watched some pretty lightning in the sky, it was happening over something called "Edhamburger Carsale". It looked like some kind of science experiment, probably the creation of a new world somewhere?

I got bored quickly, so I started chewing random sticks… and something I found that was really chewy, although I'm told it used to be called "Irn Bru", it seemed to be left to wander the streets as a vagrant.

Unpredictable Flying Objects

I figured my teeth maybe needed more excitement, so we went to a big park next, to play with an odd, orange flying disc called a "Frizzy Bee".

It's apparently especially made for dogs, so we can chew the rubber edge right off. It also whistles on us as it flies, probably to make us follow it to rescue it from crashing?! I chased it for ages, showing off my jumping abilities and letting my teeth bump into it every chance I could. Although that took a lot of practice, it was a little unpredictable in flight, especially if Chewy was throwing it!

After a few hours, my teeth felt a little happier, especially when I let them hang onto the Frizzy Bee without letting go, a great way to cheer up unhappy teeth. Furry-face wasn't too impressed though, it took him ages to get it from me, I think he just wanted to try catching it in his own teeth!

my teeth are escaping…?

I was sitting in my crate in the back of the red tank, chewing my pink bone and my white cover, trying to satisfy a little gum itch. There was an odd feeling then a little crunching noise. Why were there red drops on the white cover?

As we arrived at our destination, Furry-face found the red drops and picked up a little white hard thing that had been sitting in the red bits. He said it was a baby tooth?! it was tiny, not sure how he spotted it. As I was the only one in the crate, there were definitely no babies around, so either the tooth has miraculously transported into my mouth from elsewhere… or my own teeth are trying to escape?! Now, I've had my teeth for quite a while, as is evident from my toy-testing experiments, so I'm a little confused. Why do they want to run out on me? Have I been working them too hard?

I need to keep a close watch on these teeth. They should be easy enough to spot if they try to escape, they seem to leave behind these bright red wet trails!!!

Saturday, 5 September 2009

nowhere to go…

The Giants have been trying to teach me to go outside when I need to, well, go. They've used various methods of coaching and bribery, including running me to the door after I've woken up - cruelty! Nevertheless, all spoiling my fun at laying minefields!

The latest thing is getting me to sit at the front door and wait. Okay, so I was doing that this morning, I was desperate! The only problem here is that when I'm sitting patiently, staring at the door handle, waiting for a Giant to reach it for me, they can't see me from where they lounge around. I sat for ages, no-one came, so I went looking for some of those paper carpets they leave around. None to be found.

I needed somewhere to go, and fast. I jumped up on to the bed to see if I could see any paper carpets from up there. Now they only use the bed at nights, it's nice and soft, should be absorbent, "why not?" I thought. They weren't impressed. Apparently, it's not as easy to clean up as it is on the carpet. How was I supposed to know?

Lesson learned - make noises whist staring at the door handle. Must learn to whistle!

Friday, 4 September 2009

dumbell & squeaker

my work on toy-testing has slipped by the wayside lately, so I thought I'd get back to the grind…

My teeth have been getting sharper, although some have felt a little wobbly lately? Anyway, I discovered an interesting technique - the 'tin-opener method' where the toy gets held on the bottom teeth as the top ones work away in a straight line, cutting a section or an end off cleanly. I decided to give the blue dumbbells a new window.

I almost had the squeaker out of that wretched rugby ball, but Furry-face spotted how far I'd progressed and removed it before my Sooty & Sweep impression was complete!

Thursday, 3 September 2009

who writes this anyway?

Sorry it's taking so long to get blog entries up just now, but I have a lot on, teething and all that!

Quite a few folk have asked who writes this? How dare you!!?? Although, I have a confession to make - I do have a secretary!

I dictate things as I think if them and leave them for the typist to publish here on the wwwebernet. Oh come on folks, my paws are WAY too big to hit those tiny keys. I do have to proof read a lot though, and the spell-checker is a life-saver. You just can't get the staff these days.

Happy reading!