Wednesday, 30 September 2009

delivery for Breac

I recognised the 'ding-dong' as being our front door alert, not the one on the surround sound prison portal device in the corner. I ran to see if I could get there before Furry-face, but he cheated, holding me back by my neck-restraint.

It was the man in blue with the big bag, he comes by every day to put bits of paper through a slot in the door, Furry-face usually has to chase him away as he seems to like putting the neighbours' bits of paper in our door.

But this time, it was a big box… for me!! I was so excited, I'd never had anything from the bag-man before!

I wanted to play with the box, but Furry said that wasn't the present? It was a get-well gift from Bar Knee. Furry opened it and gave me the contents, a wonderful ball of string that glowed so bright it almost blinded me!

I set to work on it instantly, it looked indestructible, no ends!! I pulled and tugged, chewed and nibbled, sure enough, ten minutes later, I had an end showing, another 5 mins had Furry-face stepping in to remove it, demolished! Thanks Bar Knee, but I need tougher toys than that, sick and drugged up or not!

Tuesday, 29 September 2009

Peace Man!!

After all the stress of yesterday's fight, the Giants are now trying to poison me!?

Following my nice morning walk as usual, I sat and waited at the door of the room the food is prepared in, but after 'get it then', I was disgusted to find foreign substances in my usual food? Not only were there 'pink croutons' hidden in it, but there was a slug-like trail over some of the chunks. Furry-face mentioned something about 'healing additives', but it tasted horrible, worse than one of Furry's socks! I left it for them to eat.

Then I was pinned down again, all the while being told that I needed to get my 'Hippie Scrub"? I know I was attacked, but I'm all for peace, I don't need extra scrubbing to make me more peaceful! Maybe all these extra additives in my food are drugs and they're going to make me grow my hair long? I do find it odd though that there's no 'scrubbing' involved, just some kind of squirting device that makes my face sting. I don't like it. I knew Furry-face was injured, as Chewy was holding me down, I struggled and gave her a lot of nice red scratches in return for the Hippie treatment!

Monday, 28 September 2009

what's so great about danes?

I went for the longest walk of my short life today. I left the HQ at 11:30am and I've just got back!

There I was, minding my own stick, and two monster dogs turned the corner of the field. Great Danes apparently, must be on holiday from Daneland? One took a wide route through the corn stubble, but the other steered it's giant right past me. I panicked and sat straight down on my tail. But then my short life flashed before me, it was like speed-reading my whole blog.

It lunged at me in a flash, I felt my head disappear as it grabbed me in its powerful jaws, clamping down on my skull, trying to crush me. Is it playing I thought? But then it shook me like it wanted to kill, this was no game. It hurt, it really hurt. I yelled louder than I've ever done before, screaming for it to stop and let go, but its Giant just pulled at it, that didn't help. Then I became aware of Furry-face suddenly jumping to action, I felt a few dull echos of Giant thuds as he pounded it to make it let go. I have no idea how long I was held as prey. Furry-face had managed to hurt it enough that it dropped me.

I slinked into the field as Furry dropped to my side, he held me and checked I was still alive. I realised that it still hurt as Furry barked loudly at the dane's Giant, he carefully scooped me up in his arms. I was leaking red stuff, so he carried me back across the field to the tank.

Before I knew it, I was at the vet school. Good, I could do with a sleep after my ordeal! They wouldn't let me snooze though, as they touched my head, it was sore. I tried to make them stop, but they tied my mouth closed and stole some fur. They hurt me some more with sharp things before they left me alone, but they were all really nice about it, especially when they gave me a hairbrush microphone and joined in singing 'hound dog'.

I realised Furry was missing, but I found out later that he'd gone to a Giant hospital to get his fist bones fixed.

I'm off to eat all the treats that Chewy and Furry have brought me, they seem to be needing a lot of hugs from me tonight. I don't mind one bit.

Saturday, 26 September 2009

getting old…

We went to visit some nice, organised sticks today, they seemed to have talked to each other to work out where they were going to stand and grow. Some of them made interesting patterns whilst others were very talented and did impressions of mushrooms.

I also met some VERY old dogs, they were so old, their hair had turned pure white and they were very stiff and quiet. They ignored me completely, but I couldn't help but see a resemblance. Maybe that's what I'll look like when I'm older, not sure I can sit still for that long though?

There was a vegetable garden there too, but I couldn't find any carrots, even if I had, there was no way they'd be frozen, it was a really hot day. I stopped for some refreshment at the greenhouses, there was a drinking fountain there, especially for me!

Friday, 25 September 2009

three legged race?

So there I was, out for a walk, standing next to a large stick with cables on top, and my back leg just lifted in the air!? I wasn't aware I was entered into any 3-legged races? Or does the stick with wires have some kind of magnetic polarising force affecting one of my back legs?

Further around the same walk, I was standing over a large clump of grass when it did it again! Am I developing a nervous twitch? Only this time, I had the incredible urge to pee at the same time? Well, that's not how I normally do it, I'm supposed to squat. My body confused, unbalanced, I began to wobble away on three legs, peeing at the same time, my wayward leg returned to the ground, still peeing? I did the only thing I could think of… I ran away from it!

This is odd. I've seen other dogs standing on only 3 legs, I thought they were tired and just resting on lamposts and trees? Is the back half of my body attempting to fly? Could I be mastering beagle levitation?

Wednesday, 23 September 2009

keep them doggies rollin'…

During a recent trip to see my pal Tess, she had these cool things lying around that I was allowed to play with. They're hard until you play with them for a while, then they become soft, soggy and really floppy. Then, if you leave them overnight, they go all hard again!? Some kind of metamorphosing chew toy! To top it all off, they're minty flavoured! (whatever mint is?)

Once again, these Giants have tapped into my subconscious and have made my wishes a reality, I have no doubt they used their clever teleportation-re-fluffer-device! I know it's not the same chew, because I tried to smuggle it out of Tess' house, but was caught!

It's really good for my itchy teeth, I think they're a little happier, maybe they'll stop deserting me now? But even better than that, if I leave it under where Chewy & Furry-face sit, they step on it as they go to stand up, or if that fails, leaving it next to the bed last thing at night, covers both midnight toilet trips for sogginess or a nice hard surprise for their soft feet in the morning.

For some reason, Furry-face keeps wandering around the HQ singing "Rollin' Rollin' Rollin', Keep them doggies rollin', Rawhide!!!!"?? Something about brothers that have painted themselves blue??

Monday, 21 September 2009

walking on water

Back to the little beach at the Hah Haw puddle again, and sure enough, my bindings were removed and I ran free. No nice smelling lady dogs around this time, just more amassing squadrons of Mid Gees.

I think there's been a lot of other dogs here since last time, they've drank nearly all the puddle! I had to run much farther to get to the edge. I had been playing with Frizzy Bees and a ball for ages and was getting bored. With the puddle being almost gone, there were lots of interesting stones, even some that had hatched and left shells, but Furry-face had found really flat ones that bounced across the water.

I watched these flat stones skimming the water, I decided that if I ran fast enough, I too could skim over the surface… I ran really fast… I was… er… no. I only made it about a yard, just up to my belly. Furry was still bouncing flat stones, maybe I needed to be going in the same direction? I kept running, slowly because of the water, but I suddenly realised the ground had dropped from under me… I was doing it… I was running on water! OK, so I was a little lower than the stones, only my head was above the surface, but it was close enough.

Chewy said I was swimming, but I definitely wasn't wearing any silly Speedy pants!

Saturday, 19 September 2009

chasing dogs…

This was our third visit to the same big pond, and I'm still not sure what they're calling it? It sounds like "Hah Haw Rest on Wall" but sometimes they call it "Hah Haw and Three Poor", but whatever it's called, it's a big puddle!

It normally takes a long time to walk around, but today was particularly slow. Furry-face was playing with some other Giants with strappy gadgets, stealing pictures or something? I went for a mini adventure with Chewy!

We had to wait for the others to catch up a lot, so I investigated everything from bushes, to walls and even things called mushrooms. These mushes that live in them must be tiny because their rooms aren't very big at all!? The best bit came when we got to the beach, I was told to sit, Chewy bent down… and unclipped my lead?! I just sat there. "Can I go?" The answer was "yes" apparently!

It was great fun, no string to trip over, no recoil action at the end of my safe-distance, and I could chase balls, Frizzy Bees, sand, my own tail… and other dogs!!!

All I could smell was this one other dog. I ran along the beach, through some trees and ran around her until she HAD to notice me. Her Giants weren't interested, but she'd seen me, so I followed, playing as we walked. We must've walked quite far, Chewy and Furry-face sounded very quiet, almost whispering my name. We kept walking.

Chewy was puffing when she eventually came to get me, then I got marched back to the beach by the collar. I never even got the girl's address!?

Thursday, 17 September 2009

no, not my ears too?

I had to say it didn't I? Now one of my ears is incredibly itchy, I fear the worst. It must be only a matter of time before they head for the hills following behind my teeth.

No matter how hard I scratch, it's still tickly, sometimes sore, I might need Furry-face to scratch it for me. Oh, yeah, that's it, just lift my ear, in there, that's it, yeah, right… hold on… what? A large wha…? TICK? Like those things you get in clocks? Well get it out of me then!

What do you mean you don't have a tick removal tool? Go get one, this thing's huge!!

OK, so you've seen MacGyver and think you can make your own out of a paperclip? Cheh rright!

"Hold still"? What? But? Nnnngggg!

Oh, wow! Look at the size of that beast! It blends right in to the colour of my ear, no wonder I hadn't spotted it! An impressive improvisation there Furry-face. You could patent that!

Phew, my ears are safe. Faithful old ears!

Wednesday, 16 September 2009

spitting teeth

I have a habit of just sitting chewing things in the garden, sometimes flowers, petals, seed heads, even rose branches, but it's usually stones.

I had been sitting next to the main entrance this morning, nibbling on a small pebble, when Furry-face caught me and started shouting for his invisible friend Droppit so I thought I'd better spit the pebble out to help him find his friend. As the pebble tumbled to the path, but there was a second noise hitting the ground… yet another tooth?!

Now this is getting serious. Little ones I can let walk out on me, but this one was huge! Could my toy-testing career be over? I think I need to get some toothcuffs to keep them in place, maybe I can stick them back in with glue? What next? Are my ears going to fall off?

Tuesday, 15 September 2009

Mid Gee Squadrons

I have discovered yet another invasion force attempting to conquer our world…

They seem to gather by small streams and under trees, amassing their forces, waiting for their opportunity to strike against the many inhabitants of our planet. The Giants I have heard discussing them have called them 'mid gees'.

I have seen vast squadrons of these mid gees grow larger every day, they're breeding like flies! Although the Giants are massive by comparison, I have seen the damage one tiny mid gee can inflict. From the initial bombardment and attack flight, to the tiny-tickle manoeuvre of sneaking under a tight clothing garment, or crawling across a face, neck or even in the hair. Then the payload is dispatched, a bomb placed under the skin, most cunning, effective and dastardly tactics, the fall-out area can be up to the size of a tennis-ball (whatever tennis is? Future investigation required).

I too am bothered by these swarms, they constantly attempt to penetrate my outer-ear defenses, yes, my lugflaps! My errant shaking and running away from them extremely quickly seems to thwart their efforts, but I fear they are getting stronger!

I have noticed that on colder days, there seems to be less of them out to fight, perhaps some experimentation and invention is required… I wonder if a 'frozen garden peas overcoat' would be effective?

Sunday, 13 September 2009

The Mooing Wall

We were out for a walk in the country tonight, and I heard a strange noise coming from the wall beside us.

It was mooing at us like a cow, but it was just a wall? As I looked closer, I saw that this wall actually had ears… and a nose… even eyes?! It had the head of a cow but the body of a wall? I tried barking and howling at it, but it just bobbed up and down. I suspect the cow had been teleporting somewhere and had a misfire of the co-ordinates, thus, landing inside the wall. The only other possibility was that a female cow and a male wall… nah, that's just silly!?

I attempted to make Furry-face and Chewy aware of the poor animal's plight, but they just wanted to get home before CSI Sunday, whatever that is? I think they meant SKI Sunday, these Giants really can't speak too good, are they?

Saturday, 12 September 2009

the biggest water bowl ever

Yet another weekend walk in a forest, only this time I had to sleep in the red tank before I got there. Berts Hire I think it was called.

There were more trees, lots of stick, some tasty ferns and lots of giants out being walked. I stopped to meet a few of them, but there were too many nice smells I had to investigate.

At the top of the hill, there it was… the biggest drinking bowl I've ever seen! The bottle it was being poured out of was HUGE! Not only could I have got my tongue in it, I could have walked in with Furry-face, Chewy and the tank!

The only problem I had, was getting to it. It seemed they had to keep it behind bars, they'd probably heard how much water I can drink!? I could feel the spray from it ups where we were, and I could hear it too, how cruel is that?

We sat on a bench and watched as Furry-face climbed down to get me some, he took his gadget strappy thing with him, but it doesn't hold much water, when he came back, I had to lick the water from his wet feet and trousers. I'm sure that water was even salmon flavoured!

Friday, 11 September 2009

Ice-cream Invasion?

I met Rab from the Burnt Island today, he's cool, he likes to play at fetch and has a dog called Cindy. She wasn't very happy that I was there though, she ran away and hid on the sofa, and I'm not allowed on other sofas apart from the HQ.

I found toys she'd left lying around and even some food, very tasty it was too, until Furry-face showed up and told me it wasn't mine. I found it, surely that makes it mine!?

Rab has a gadgety strappy thing too, so he and Furry-face took us for a walk whilst they played at gadgets. We stopped for a drink outside a pub, where they had non-alcoholic drinks for dogs and table-leg snacks for us to chew on. Rab caught fire at one point but didn't seem to mind, he kept blowing it away and seemed to enjoy it.

On the way home, a huge ice-cream jumped out on us, I attempted to save the others by growling and barking at it. I think I scared it as the others seemed to be calm beside me. I was worried that this might be the start of an invasion force form the giant 99 flake world, but then I spotted the chain, realising it was obviously just someones pet.

Thursday, 10 September 2009

drinking habits

When we're away from the HQ and I need a drink, the Giants have an ingenious little device they got for me…

It's a folding water bowl that can be flattened to put in a pocket or a bag, then opened out to hold water for drinking from. Now, the inside of it is black, so quite difficult to see the water level, and I've got soggy ears on more than one occasion now, so I've decided to use it as a toy instead!

I watch whilst they unfold it, fill it up then I pick it up my the rim and carry it away to have a chew of it! As for getting a drink, I just take it from the bottle as they pour it now, although it's quite difficult to get my tongue into that tiny hole where it comes out.

The folding bowl also doubles as a nice, waterproof hat!

Tuesday, 8 September 2009

Sweary signs about stones

You know I like sticks and wrapping the magic rope around things, so imagine my joy when I was taken to a forest path for a walk today!?

I weaved in and out of tall trees, baby trees, dead trees, bushes, even managed to drag Furry-face through a spiky bush, but then the magic rope stopped working and I was confined to the main path for some reason?

I discovered some little things that grow on and around trees in a forest, they're called 'ferns' and are very sociable as they have lots of 'friends' or something. They are highly recommended by cats, and I can see why. They have a light, fluffy texture with a strong flavour and a fragrant aroma, making them easy to find. Only problem is they get stuck in my chops, so they hang out the side of my mouth as evidence of snacking.

We passed a sign that Chewy read out to me, I think the sign writer feels really strongly about these stones, maybe they've lost patience from so many persons doing it? I think 'prosecuted' is like 'electrocuted' but done more professionally?! But it does say 'persons', so I should be okay to chomp on a few stones, I'm a beagle!

Sunday, 6 September 2009

Big Bang Theory

Busy day so far, and still not done yet…

I was taken to a dark little alley in town, I feared the worst, I was sure they were going to sell me on the black market! But it was just another opportunity for me to chew the dangly strappy thing once again.

Recently, I've been hearing odd noises in my sleep, coming from the portal cage in the corner, sometimes getting quite loud too. I thought I was dreaming, but they're still there, even when I wake up. They're so loud sometimes, even the wall starts complaining! It sounded like explosions and workmen, maybe the captors in the portal cage are having home improvements? But there were constant interruptions, like the doorbell ringing and no-one being there, Furry-face not even bothering to go to the door, he just sat there laughing, I bet it's another one of his pranks!

Back to the dark alley though… I was sure I could hear the sounds again, Furry-face must've left the portal cage turned on really loud, because this time I could hear the noises from all the way in town!

I decided to ignore them, instead, I watched some pretty lightning in the sky, it was happening over something called "Edhamburger Carsale". It looked like some kind of science experiment, probably the creation of a new world somewhere?

I got bored quickly, so I started chewing random sticks… and something I found that was really chewy, although I'm told it used to be called "Irn Bru", it seemed to be left to wander the streets as a vagrant.

Unpredictable Flying Objects

I figured my teeth maybe needed more excitement, so we went to a big park next, to play with an odd, orange flying disc called a "Frizzy Bee".

It's apparently especially made for dogs, so we can chew the rubber edge right off. It also whistles on us as it flies, probably to make us follow it to rescue it from crashing?! I chased it for ages, showing off my jumping abilities and letting my teeth bump into it every chance I could. Although that took a lot of practice, it was a little unpredictable in flight, especially if Chewy was throwing it!

After a few hours, my teeth felt a little happier, especially when I let them hang onto the Frizzy Bee without letting go, a great way to cheer up unhappy teeth. Furry-face wasn't too impressed though, it took him ages to get it from me, I think he just wanted to try catching it in his own teeth!

my teeth are escaping…?

I was sitting in my crate in the back of the red tank, chewing my pink bone and my white cover, trying to satisfy a little gum itch. There was an odd feeling then a little crunching noise. Why were there red drops on the white cover?

As we arrived at our destination, Furry-face found the red drops and picked up a little white hard thing that had been sitting in the red bits. He said it was a baby tooth?! it was tiny, not sure how he spotted it. As I was the only one in the crate, there were definitely no babies around, so either the tooth has miraculously transported into my mouth from elsewhere… or my own teeth are trying to escape?! Now, I've had my teeth for quite a while, as is evident from my toy-testing experiments, so I'm a little confused. Why do they want to run out on me? Have I been working them too hard?

I need to keep a close watch on these teeth. They should be easy enough to spot if they try to escape, they seem to leave behind these bright red wet trails!!!

Saturday, 5 September 2009

nowhere to go…

The Giants have been trying to teach me to go outside when I need to, well, go. They've used various methods of coaching and bribery, including running me to the door after I've woken up - cruelty! Nevertheless, all spoiling my fun at laying minefields!

The latest thing is getting me to sit at the front door and wait. Okay, so I was doing that this morning, I was desperate! The only problem here is that when I'm sitting patiently, staring at the door handle, waiting for a Giant to reach it for me, they can't see me from where they lounge around. I sat for ages, no-one came, so I went looking for some of those paper carpets they leave around. None to be found.

I needed somewhere to go, and fast. I jumped up on to the bed to see if I could see any paper carpets from up there. Now they only use the bed at nights, it's nice and soft, should be absorbent, "why not?" I thought. They weren't impressed. Apparently, it's not as easy to clean up as it is on the carpet. How was I supposed to know?

Lesson learned - make noises whist staring at the door handle. Must learn to whistle!

Friday, 4 September 2009

dumbell & squeaker

my work on toy-testing has slipped by the wayside lately, so I thought I'd get back to the grind…

My teeth have been getting sharper, although some have felt a little wobbly lately? Anyway, I discovered an interesting technique - the 'tin-opener method' where the toy gets held on the bottom teeth as the top ones work away in a straight line, cutting a section or an end off cleanly. I decided to give the blue dumbbells a new window.

I almost had the squeaker out of that wretched rugby ball, but Furry-face spotted how far I'd progressed and removed it before my Sooty & Sweep impression was complete!

Thursday, 3 September 2009

who writes this anyway?

Sorry it's taking so long to get blog entries up just now, but I have a lot on, teething and all that!

Quite a few folk have asked who writes this? How dare you!!?? Although, I have a confession to make - I do have a secretary!

I dictate things as I think if them and leave them for the typist to publish here on the wwwebernet. Oh come on folks, my paws are WAY too big to hit those tiny keys. I do have to proof read a lot though, and the spell-checker is a life-saver. You just can't get the staff these days.

Happy reading!

Tuesday, 1 September 2009

no kiddies allowed…

As the rain stopped, I got taken out to play with my friend Tess.

There were lots of Giants there, all with chewy-straps on gadgets. Some kind of get-together where they all take each others' photo, or something? Tess wasn't interested, she wanted to see why there were people in the distance running after balls, she even managed to join in for a while. I couldn't escape to join her, but I tried.

After it got dark, the Giants took over an enclosed area with lots of monuments for children to play on. Things to climb on, run around, jump over and a few traps thrown in, Tess and I were both caught out by the slippery slope trap. It looked like a little ramp up to the monuments, but it had been greased or something, we tried it a few times, but kept sliding back to the start.

We ran around together for ages, no ropes getting in the way, but it was really dark, she has a lo of black hair, and I lost her. Turns out she was behind me!?