Breac the beagle

grumpy sleeper

2009-10-26T15:32:00.000Z

after all my chasing of leaves on the wind over the last few days, I've been really tired and need to catch up on some beauty sleep.

Furry and Chewy keep telling me I snore quite loudly, I never heard me, but hey? They even try to tell me that I sometimes speak in my sleep? Honestly!?

Whilst I was in a deep sleep, dreaming of some nice juicy bones and destroying tough toys, I became aware of something outside of dreamland, opening one eye, only to be confronted by the Furry-faced Giant holding some kind of futuristic brain scanner over me. My grumpy look didn't stop him, neither did my polite (if a little high-pitched) requests to stop, so I punched it out of his hand onto the floor.

Then I went back to my nice dreams!

back to brown…

2009-10-23T11:42:00.001+01:00

I've been enjoying the comforts of the outdoor green carpet, anything to get away from the nasty brown one indoors, but this morning I was shocked to discover that the outdoor carpet fitters had completely covered the green carpet with… another brown one?

Now, I don't like the wind much, it blows in my ears and eyes and puts me off when I'm trying to go pee, but today… it wanted to play!

I'd heard it howling all night, I think it was helping the trees to moult, because they look very naked now, you can see their sticks! The wind was cheekily floating brown leaves past me everywhere I went, so I had to chase them, no matter where I was - on the path, on the new brown carpet, on the road, Chewy wasn't happy about that one.

I tried getting under the brown carpet, but it was very flaky, it kept folding back in on itself as I ploughed through it? And it was dark under there too, I need to eat more carrots!

catch!

2009-10-20T14:13:00.004+01:00

My longest-surviving toy is a little colourful rubber ball, it's so bouncy my teeth just ping right off it, but lately, I've been asked to 'catch' it for Chewy and Furry-face?!

I don't mind trying to learn things, but they won't stop laughing at my comical timing? I can't quite get the bounce - jump thing co-ordinated yet, resulting in me being on the way up as the ball has already landed again. If that wasn't bad enough, there's the task of working out where my mouth stops and my nose starts, the ball seems to bounce off my nose every time I get it close to right?

Furry-face thought this was so funny that he was going to catch it on video. I wasn't amused, so I made sure that when he bounced the ball the very first time the camera was recording… I caught it! That'll teach him to laugh at me!?

but how do I get it home?

2009-10-17T13:45:00.013+01:00

Now that Chewy's up and about again (looks like the Tripe, Liver and Chicken really works), we were able to go for a little walk together. We had a very short trip to some kind of strange, topsy-turvy world where there was a tiny hill surrounded by some giant stones and huge metal birds flying overhead.

I investigated some of the holes in the ground, shoving my head down as far as it would fit and having a really good sniff. Rabbit with a hint of fox!

The hill was a bit pointless, looks like a city of moles, but Furry-face said it was a burial mound… that must be some size of bone!!!!

The giant stones were a challenge, They were far to big to get in my mouth, I couldn't even push them over, never mind explain why they were standing up in the first place? Maybe my standy-up toys had been speaking to them?!?

Munchrooms

2009-10-15T12:14:00.000+01:00

There seem to be a lot of these things growing everywhere, Furry-face keeps pulling me away from them, but they smell so tasty?!

They're everywhere, all different colours, shapes and sizes, but mainly seem to be stuck to trees. That is, apart from the little clump I saw growing in the green carpet outside. Furry hadn't spotted them, so I hung back on the rope, waited until he was level with them and sprinted for it! I tackled them at full speed, grabbing one that filled my mouth, even though it was only a tiny little bit off the top!

Never have I been so disappointed… 'munchrooms' they're called? Bleurgh!

belly flop?

2009-10-13T08:32:00.006+01:00

I was sitting with Furry-face after our walk this morning, Chewy had gone to the indoor rain cubicle for a refresh… but we heard her calling… we both ran to her! Apparently, she'd felt dizzy and had to sit down. I wondered how she'd found room in there to run around the dizzy-stick, but Furry-face mentioned that it was a bit too hot. I was quite warm in there myself, I could barely see through the indoor rainclouds, it was like being in a tropical rain forest.

Furry tried fanning some cool air into the room, but it wasn't working so Chewy got up to come out for a cooler seat. As soon as she stood up, she seemed to be sucked towards the floor at a rapid speed, almost folding in two. Luckily, Furry-face had managed to get behind her and had caught her before she landed and hurt herself.

This Furry-faced giant is proving to be useful to have around lately! Apparently the cure for being dizzy and almost being swallowed-up by a floor-sucking monster is a cup of tea, a biscuit and some TLC.

I hope that stands for Tripe, Liver and Chicken!

the long wait was over - Chewy returns!

2009-10-12T19:01:00.002+01:00

I paced the floor all afternoon, well, between snoozes, worrying about what had happened to Chewy. Furry-face had made a couple of phone calls that got him a little upset too, but we finally got back in the tank, returning to the large collection of Giant transporters where Furry-face had lost her. I sat and stared in the direction he went off, not blinking, not budging, until finally, he appeared… with Chewy beside him. Although, I was a little concerned, she looked weak, was hanging on to him to stay upright, it took them a very long time to get to where I was.

Chewy was carefully eased into her seat, I don't remember a journey that slow, ever. It was like Furry-face was avoiding every bump in the road. I was soon to discover why…

Furry pulled me aside to give me a stern giant-to-beagle talk, he explained that Chewy had needed a minor operation to remove some asbestos from her tummy, or was it an abscess, I forget? Anyway… I wasn't allowed to jump on her, as it might burst her stitches. Having had some myself, I can sympathise, so I celebrated her return by running and jumping onto the sofa beside her and giving her big licks. I then flew for a few seconds… with Furry's assistance… as I had forgotten our little chat. I'll be more careful, I promise!

Chewy's disappearance…

2009-10-12T10:00:00.003+01:00

We had a trip to the toy warehouse again today, but before we went, I had been left in the red tank for ages, there were lots of other giant transporters around ours, and I watched lots of giants limping and hobbling, arms tied to their necks, many of them carrying small bundles of flowers for eating as snacks.

I concluded we were at the giant hospital as there were so many injured ones around. I was a little worried as Furry-face and Chewy left the tank together, but only Furry-face came back? what had he done with her? I worried, whined and cried all the way to the toy warehouse where I found a small animal show behind glass, it was great, there were different colours of little furballs chasing each other around, over obstacles and through tunnels, it was much more entertaining than watching injured giants. It took my mind off what Furry-face had done with Chewy!

my cousin Chief…

2009-10-11T18:22:00.010+01:00

We finally made it back to beagle racing today, it's been too long, hardly anyone recognised me, I've grown so much. Some people thought Furry-face and Chewy had traded me in for a different model?

As I'm getting a bit older now, I was allowed a really big run up the track today. I had the chance to try out some of the different running styles I've seen. I seem to favour the manic, three-legs-in-the-air-at-once style, although the laid back style of some gave me time to look at the spectators, I quickly remembered why I was there, that land-squid was getting away from me. I caught it as it ran past Furry-face, but because I wouldn't let go, I think I snapped Furry's finger again, whoops! Still, the spectators seemed impressed, a few of them said "he's going to be fast!" What do they mean "going to be"?

I met a cousin of mine there, Chief, he's very fast, even managed to beat my mate Murphy, but I think Murphy was just tired after his holidays, we'll see next time! Cheif's a good fighter, we wrestled for a while, he let me think I was winning for a while before he pinned me down and stomped all over me. He fights dirty though, he bit my ears, they should've called him Tyson!!! Anyway, Chief has a neat little party trick, he can do something called a 'handstand', now I'm not sure what 'hands' are, but he balances on his front paws whilst waving his back paws and tail in the air, it's very cool, but I can't think of anything it would be useful for? Perhaps it's the first part of a dance move or some kind of martial arts self defence technique? That could come in handy!!!!

Fair Game!

2009-10-10T21:13:00.004+01:00

Another trip to the pet warehouse this afternoon, where I discovered the source of the realistic sounding imitation pheasants that Megan and Henry had let me play with. Well, I had to have one, so I helped myself from the shelf. It was a tough choice though, the ducks sounded very tempting too!

The pheasant seems to have as much trouble on the fake-wood floor as I do, it was losing control and skidding into things, but I can skid faster! It doesn't fly very well, it tumbles in the air and crashes into a heap on every flight. I suspect it's down to the incredibly small fake wings it has.

I have to admit though, I have a lot of respect for these fake pheasants, no matter how much I shake it, stomp on it, tug its head and feet or smack it off things really hard, it keeps making that realistic-sounding noise!

It has to lose some merit though, even with Furry-face and Chewy helping it, it still can't figure out flying - when will it just give up?
(maybe after I remove one of its legs??)

long walk around an ocean?

2009-10-09T17:28:00.007+01:00

I'm sure Chewy & Furry-face are trying to make my legs shorter?! I'm just back from a seriously long walk around, what I think was the ocean? There was a huge palace and lots of swans and ducks and other mad squealing birds, I'm sure they called it Lynne-lifts-goats?

We met other dogs too, but there seems to be a lot of dog-cloning going on around there? I kept passing Jack Russells, every fifty yards, another one? It was a breath of fresh air to meet a black Scotty, even if he did shout a lot!

There was lots to sniff and chew on the way round the large ocean, but also lots of things to try out. As there were no children around, I was allowed to have a go on another slide. This one was a bit higher though, and didn't have any safety rails to hold on to, but it was nice and slippy, I skidded down it chasing a treat that was trying to escape me!

I also attempted to practice my tree-climbing ability, there was a training-tree that was the perfect height for little climbers like me. Chewy had to assist though, my squiggel-chasing might get better if I can master these trees! There were some tasty-looking things at the other side of the tree, I must investigate these more closely soon!

Odd pets?

2009-10-08T14:23:00.048+01:00

Furry-face and Chewy took me for a run around the park this morning, my ball-retreival skills are coming along well.

We met quite a few other dogs out walking, a variety of size, colours and makes of dog, but as we stopped for a rest from stick carrying and ball chasing, I couldn't believe my eyes?! There was a man taking his wheel for a walk!?

Now, it obviously wasn't very well trained, as he still had it on a very short lead and seemed to be walking it back and forth along the same line. It was a very impressive straight line though, even if he didn't give the wheel any rewards. No treats? Not even verbal praise when it did well?

It was very well behaved, but I suspect it was a young one, I'm sure it'll grow up to be a bicycle!

they're following me…

2009-10-07T13:42:00.000+01:00

I recently realised that Chewy & Furry-face have been following me around outside, now I know they're normally attached to me by a chain, but worse than that, I'm sure they're trying to hide my identity.

Maybe it's because they abducted me from my mum, and they don't want anyone to find out who I am? I've heard that you can find out who your relatives are by taking bits of you and sending them to DAN or something?? I suspect that's why they're picking up my poo after I leave it around!

Today we went to the beach again, and whilst swimming in the salty water, I had an idea… whilst at full extension of the magic rope, and still partially in the water, I took my chance to send out my 'message in a bottle' as it were, to let someone be able to find me. They both realised quickly what I was up to, splashing towards me in a panic… too late! They managed to store some of it in a bag, but I stood nearby watching as they struggled to reach the bobbing sample of hope on it's way to DAN for testing!

High Noon… well… quarter past three

2009-10-07T03:14:00.006+01:00

After my successful message was sent, we saw a big dog heading our way, I ran away to give it as much room as the magic rope allowed, but Furry-face shouted something at it's Giants, and they started to come over. I sat down and tried to bury my head in the sand, but after a few minutes of sheer panic, the huge dog licked me and said he wanted to play.

On closer inspection, I noticed he had a scar down his back in the form of a ridge, maybe he'd been picked on by a bigger dog too and wanted to be friends? We played!

Some other dogs walked past, but neither of us liked the look of them, so my ridged-back friend went all Western on them and scared them away! It felt like that Clint Eastwoof movie "A Fistful of Dog treats"!? We played some more!

I kept him amused with my best impression of the Sphinx from Egypt, well, with all that sand around, bright sunshine and blue sky, the Bass Rock in the distance could easily be mistaken for a pyramid?!

Heeled up!

2009-10-05T12:04:00.001+01:00

All last week, Furry-face has been encouraging me to get better, as we walk and I try to run off, he keeps shouting "heal!" It must have worked, as I've just been back to the dog hospital and they say my wound is looking really good, no more Hippie Scrub, yay!

Unfortunately, I got stabbed by another person in a white coat, I didn't mind though, she wanted to play a little first, I could've done with a sleep though, that black mat is really comfy!

A big dog did it… and ran away!

2009-10-04T21:43:00.002+01:00

I'm still a bit nervous when I meet bigger dogs than me, so Furry-face and Chewy have been forcing me to speak to any we pass. They've all been nice so far, but it still makes me shake, just in case.

I was taken to meet two 'Great Mounds' I think Furry-face called them? When we arrived, I was quite excited, I could see the two dogs in the distance, they looked quite calm and small, but the closer I got to them, the bigger they got, isn't it funny how that works?! As we approached, I realised how they got their names, they were really tall, powerful looking, but also very skinny. After five minutes of sitting, shaking and cowering in front of them, I found out they were called Henry and Megan, I realised they were actually quite friendly and had loads of cool toys!

They had a small vegetable garden up some steps at the back, now I'm still not good at stairs yet, so I fell up them and also down them a couple of times, but the veggie patch had carrots in it! Someone had buried them though, so I helped out a bit. I tried a few of the other things that had been buried too… and some that were just lying around. A note to fellow animals - plants called 'Nasty urshims' are well named, they do NOT taste nice, they burn your mouth and their seeds come out looking exactly the same as they went in!

I played with some toys to get rid of the nasty taste, being chased by both around a small stick growing in the middle of the green carpet, all whilst I was carrying a very impressive imitation pheasant that sounded quite realistic when squeezed. They had a large two-wheeled contraption in the corner, it tried to hide the pheasant a few times, but I managed to squeeze under it a few times, although it's defense mechanism left some black oily marks on me, as well as trying to chase after me as I sneaked past it.

We went for a walk in the country next, Henry was really fast, he beat to my Frizzy Bee every time, I got bored, so I jumped through a spiky, sharp fence and into a stream, the water seemed to make me faster, on the way back, I was able to keep up with Henry as we ran up the road!?

Tess on Telly

2009-10-02T19:08:00.002+01:00

I was just settling down on for a snooze on Furry-face when something in the prison portal caught my eye - it was my mate Tess! I sat and watched as she was forced to do some kind of food promotion, and it's not even for a food she eats!? Certain ways she sat, it didn't really look like her? I barked at her a few times during her performance, but either she couldn't hear me or it was an impostor!? She had managed to catch one of those pesky cats in a cage behind her, impressive!

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Chewy didn't know she was in there either, she was surprised and exclaimed "Tess is famous, she's on the telly!" Now that just reassures me that it's Furry-face that's capturing all these prisoners. I wish I knew where he kept the key though!

delivery for Breac

2009-09-30T11:03:00.000+01:00

I recognised the 'ding-dong' as being our front door alert, not the one on the surround sound prison portal device in the corner. I ran to see if I could get there before Furry-face, but he cheated, holding me back by my neck-restraint.

It was the man in blue with the big bag, he comes by every day to put bits of paper through a slot in the door, Furry-face usually has to chase him away as he seems to like putting the neighbours' bits of paper in our door.

But this time, it was a big box… for me!! I was so excited, I'd never had anything from the bag-man before!

I wanted to play with the box, but Furry said that wasn't the present? It was a get-well gift from Bar Knee. Furry opened it and gave me the contents, a wonderful ball of string that glowed so bright it almost blinded me!

I set to work on it instantly, it looked indestructible, no ends!! I pulled and tugged, chewed and nibbled, sure enough, ten minutes later, I had an end showing, another 5 mins had Furry-face stepping in to remove it, demolished! Thanks Bar Knee, but I need tougher toys than that, sick and drugged up or not!

Peace Man!!

2009-09-29T10:44:00.003+01:00

After all the stress of yesterday's fight, the Giants are now trying to poison me!?

Following my nice morning walk as usual, I sat and waited at the door of the room the food is prepared in, but after 'get it then', I was disgusted to find foreign substances in my usual food? Not only were there 'pink croutons' hidden in it, but there was a slug-like trail over some of the chunks. Furry-face mentioned something about 'healing additives', but it tasted horrible, worse than one of Furry's socks! I left it for them to eat.

Then I was pinned down again, all the while being told that I needed to get my 'Hippie Scrub"? I know I was attacked, but I'm all for peace, I don't need extra scrubbing to make me more peaceful! Maybe all these extra additives in my food are drugs and they're going to make me grow my hair long? I do find it odd though that there's no 'scrubbing' involved, just some kind of squirting device that makes my face sting. I don't like it. I knew Furry-face was injured, as Chewy was holding me down, I struggled and gave her a lot of nice red scratches in return for the Hippie treatment!

what's so great about danes?

2009-09-28T18:31:00.005+01:00

I went for the longest walk of my short life today. I left the HQ at 11:30am and I've just got back!

There I was, minding my own stick, and two monster dogs turned the corner of the field. Great Danes apparently, must be on holiday from Daneland? One took a wide route through the corn stubble, but the other steered it's giant right past me. I panicked and sat straight down on my tail. But then my short life flashed before me, it was like speed-reading my whole blog.

It lunged at me in a flash, I felt my head disappear as it grabbed me in its powerful jaws, clamping down on my skull, trying to crush me. Is it playing I thought? But then it shook me like it wanted to kill, this was no game. It hurt, it really hurt. I yelled louder than I've ever done before, screaming for it to stop and let go, but its Giant just pulled at it, that didn't help. Then I became aware of Furry-face suddenly jumping to action, I felt a few dull echos of Giant thuds as he pounded it to make it let go. I have no idea how long I was held as prey. Furry-face had managed to hurt it enough that it dropped me.

I slinked into the field as Furry dropped to my side, he held me and checked I was still alive. I realised that it still hurt as Furry barked loudly at the dane's Giant, he carefully scooped me up in his arms. I was leaking red stuff, so he carried me back across the field to the tank.

Before I knew it, I was at the vet school. Good, I could do with a sleep after my ordeal! They wouldn't let me snooze though, as they touched my head, it was sore. I tried to make them stop, but they tied my mouth closed and stole some fur. They hurt me some more with sharp things before they left me alone, but they were all really nice about it, especially when they gave me a hairbrush microphone and joined in singing 'hound dog'.

I realised Furry was missing, but I found out later that he'd gone to a Giant hospital to get his fist bones fixed.

I'm off to eat all the treats that Chewy and Furry have brought me, they seem to be needing a lot of hugs from me tonight. I don't mind one bit.

getting old…

2009-09-26T22:33:00.006+01:00

We went to visit some nice, organised sticks today, they seemed to have talked to each other to work out where they were going to stand and grow. Some of them made interesting patterns whilst others were very talented and did impressions of mushrooms.

I also met some VERY old dogs, they were so old, their hair had turned pure white and they were very stiff and quiet. They ignored me completely, but I couldn't help but see a resemblance. Maybe that's what I'll look like when I'm older, not sure I can sit still for that long though?

There was a vegetable garden there too, but I couldn't find any carrots, even if I had, there was no way they'd be frozen, it was a really hot day. I stopped for some refreshment at the greenhouses, there was a drinking fountain there, especially for me!

three legged race?

2009-09-25T10:19:00.003+01:00

So there I was, out for a walk, standing next to a large stick with cables on top, and my back leg just lifted in the air!? I wasn't aware I was entered into any 3-legged races? Or does the stick with wires have some kind of magnetic polarising force affecting one of my back legs?

Further around the same walk, I was standing over a large clump of grass when it did it again! Am I developing a nervous twitch? Only this time, I had the incredible urge to pee at the same time? Well, that's not how I normally do it, I'm supposed to squat. My body confused, unbalanced, I began to wobble away on three legs, peeing at the same time, my wayward leg returned to the ground, still peeing? I did the only thing I could think of… I ran away from it!

This is odd. I've seen other dogs standing on only 3 legs, I thought they were tired and just resting on lamposts and trees? Is the back half of my body attempting to fly? Could I be mastering beagle levitation?

keep them doggies rollin'…

2009-09-23T21:19:00.015+01:00

During a recent trip to see my pal Tess, she had these cool things lying around that I was allowed to play with. They're hard until you play with them for a while, then they become soft, soggy and really floppy. Then, if you leave them overnight, they go all hard again!? Some kind of metamorphosing chew toy! To top it all off, they're minty flavoured! (whatever mint is?)

Once again, these Giants have tapped into my subconscious and have made my wishes a reality, I have no doubt they used their clever teleportation-re-fluffer-device! I know it's not the same chew, because I tried to smuggle it out of Tess' house, but was caught!

It's really good for my itchy teeth, I think they're a little happier, maybe they'll stop deserting me now? But even better than that, if I leave it under where Chewy & Furry-face sit, they step on it as they go to stand up, or if that fails, leaving it next to the bed last thing at night, covers both midnight toilet trips for sogginess or a nice hard surprise for their soft feet in the morning.

For some reason, Furry-face keeps wandering around the HQ singing "Rollin' Rollin' Rollin', Keep them doggies rollin', Rawhide!!!!"?? Something about brothers that have painted themselves blue??

walking on water

2009-09-21T17:28:00.004+01:00

Back to the little beach at the Hah Haw puddle again, and sure enough, my bindings were removed and I ran free. No nice smelling lady dogs around this time, just more amassing squadrons of Mid Gees.

I think there's been a lot of other dogs here since last time, they've drank nearly all the puddle! I had to run much farther to get to the edge. I had been playing with Frizzy Bees and a ball for ages and was getting bored. With the puddle being almost gone, there were lots of interesting stones, even some that had hatched and left shells, but Furry-face had found really flat ones that bounced across the water.

I watched these flat stones skimming the water, I decided that if I ran fast enough, I too could skim over the surface… I ran really fast… I was… er… no. I only made it about a yard, just up to my belly. Furry was still bouncing flat stones, maybe I needed to be going in the same direction? I kept running, slowly because of the water, but I suddenly realised the ground had dropped from under me… I was doing it… I was running on water! OK, so I was a little lower than the stones, only my head was above the surface, but it was close enough.

Chewy said I was swimming, but I definitely wasn't wearing any silly Speedy pants!

chasing dogs…

2009-09-19T20:14:00.001+01:00

This was our third visit to the same big pond, and I'm still not sure what they're calling it? It sounds like "Hah Haw Rest on Wall" but sometimes they call it "Hah Haw and Three Poor", but whatever it's called, it's a big puddle!

It normally takes a long time to walk around, but today was particularly slow. Furry-face was playing with some other Giants with strappy gadgets, stealing pictures or something? I went for a mini adventure with Chewy!

We had to wait for the others to catch up a lot, so I investigated everything from bushes, to walls and even things called mushrooms. These mushes that live in them must be tiny because their rooms aren't very big at all!? The best bit came when we got to the beach, I was told to sit, Chewy bent down… and unclipped my lead?! I just sat there. "Can I go?" The answer was "yes" apparently!

It was great fun, no string to trip over, no recoil action at the end of my safe-distance, and I could chase balls, Frizzy Bees, sand, my own tail… and other dogs!!!

All I could smell was this one other dog. I ran along the beach, through some trees and ran around her until she HAD to notice me. Her Giants weren't interested, but she'd seen me, so I followed, playing as we walked. We must've walked quite far, Chewy and Furry-face sounded very quiet, almost whispering my name. We kept walking.

Chewy was puffing when she eventually came to get me, then I got marched back to the beach by the collar. I never even got the girl's address!?

no, not my ears too?

2009-09-17T15:51:00.006+01:00

I had to say it didn't I? Now one of my ears is incredibly itchy, I fear the worst. It must be only a matter of time before they head for the hills following behind my teeth.

No matter how hard I scratch, it's still tickly, sometimes sore, I might need Furry-face to scratch it for me. Oh, yeah, that's it, just lift my ear, in there, that's it, yeah, right… hold on… what? A large wha…? TICK? Like those things you get in clocks? Well get it out of me then!

What do you mean you don't have a tick removal tool? Go get one, this thing's huge!!

OK, so you've seen MacGyver and think you can make your own out of a paperclip? Cheh rright!

"Hold still"? What? But? Nnnngggg!

Oh, wow! Look at the size of that beast! It blends right in to the colour of my ear, no wonder I hadn't spotted it! An impressive improvisation there Furry-face. You could patent that!

Phew, my ears are safe. Faithful old ears!

spitting teeth

2009-09-16T11:14:00.003+01:00

I have a habit of just sitting chewing things in the garden, sometimes flowers, petals, seed heads, even rose branches, but it's usually stones.

I had been sitting next to the main entrance this morning, nibbling on a small pebble, when Furry-face caught me and started shouting for his invisible friend Droppit so I thought I'd better spit the pebble out to help him find his friend. As the pebble tumbled to the path, but there was a second noise hitting the ground… yet another tooth?!

Now this is getting serious. Little ones I can let walk out on me, but this one was huge! Could my toy-testing career be over? I think I need to get some toothcuffs to keep them in place, maybe I can stick them back in with glue? What next? Are my ears going to fall off?

Mid Gee Squadrons

2009-09-15T15:57:00.000+01:00

I have discovered yet another invasion force attempting to conquer our world…

They seem to gather by small streams and under trees, amassing their forces, waiting for their opportunity to strike against the many inhabitants of our planet. The Giants I have heard discussing them have called them 'mid gees'.

I have seen vast squadrons of these mid gees grow larger every day, they're breeding like flies! Although the Giants are massive by comparison, I have seen the damage one tiny mid gee can inflict. From the initial bombardment and attack flight, to the tiny-tickle manoeuvre of sneaking under a tight clothing garment, or crawling across a face, neck or even in the hair. Then the payload is dispatched, a bomb placed under the skin, most cunning, effective and dastardly tactics, the fall-out area can be up to the size of a tennis-ball (whatever tennis is? Future investigation required).

I too am bothered by these swarms, they constantly attempt to penetrate my outer-ear defenses, yes, my lugflaps! My errant shaking and running away from them extremely quickly seems to thwart their efforts, but I fear they are getting stronger!

I have noticed that on colder days, there seems to be less of them out to fight, perhaps some experimentation and invention is required… I wonder if a 'frozen garden peas overcoat' would be effective?

The Mooing Wall

2009-09-13T21:02:00.001+01:00

We were out for a walk in the country tonight, and I heard a strange noise coming from the wall beside us.

It was mooing at us like a cow, but it was just a wall? As I looked closer, I saw that this wall actually had ears… and a nose… even eyes?! It had the head of a cow but the body of a wall? I tried barking and howling at it, but it just bobbed up and down. I suspect the cow had been teleporting somewhere and had a misfire of the co-ordinates, thus, landing inside the wall. The only other possibility was that a female cow and a male wall… nah, that's just silly!?

I attempted to make Furry-face and Chewy aware of the poor animal's plight, but they just wanted to get home before CSI Sunday, whatever that is? I think they meant SKI Sunday, these Giants really can't speak too good, are they?

the biggest water bowl ever

2009-09-12T20:00:00.007+01:00

Yet another weekend walk in a forest, only this time I had to sleep in the red tank before I got there. Berts Hire I think it was called.

There were more trees, lots of stick, some tasty ferns and lots of giants out being walked. I stopped to meet a few of them, but there were too many nice smells I had to investigate.

At the top of the hill, there it was… the biggest drinking bowl I've ever seen! The bottle it was being poured out of was HUGE! Not only could I have got my tongue in it, I could have walked in with Furry-face, Chewy and the tank!

The only problem I had, was getting to it. It seemed they had to keep it behind bars, they'd probably heard how much water I can drink!? I could feel the spray from it ups where we were, and I could hear it too, how cruel is that?

We sat on a bench and watched as Furry-face climbed down to get me some, he took his gadget strappy thing with him, but it doesn't hold much water, when he came back, I had to lick the water from his wet feet and trousers. I'm sure that water was even salmon flavoured!

Ice-cream Invasion?

2009-09-11T17:07:00.007+01:00

I met Rab from the Burnt Island today, he's cool, he likes to play at fetch and has a dog called Cindy. She wasn't very happy that I was there though, she ran away and hid on the sofa, and I'm not allowed on other sofas apart from the HQ.

I found toys she'd left lying around and even some food, very tasty it was too, until Furry-face showed up and told me it wasn't mine. I found it, surely that makes it mine!?

Rab has a gadgety strappy thing too, so he and Furry-face took us for a walk whilst they played at gadgets. We stopped for a drink outside a pub, where they had non-alcoholic drinks for dogs and table-leg snacks for us to chew on. Rab caught fire at one point but didn't seem to mind, he kept blowing it away and seemed to enjoy it.

On the way home, a huge ice-cream jumped out on us, I attempted to save the others by growling and barking at it. I think I scared it as the others seemed to be calm beside me. I was worried that this might be the start of an invasion force form the giant 99 flake world, but then I spotted the chain, realising it was obviously just someones pet.

drinking habits

2009-09-10T10:07:00.006+01:00

When we're away from the HQ and I need a drink, the Giants have an ingenious little device they got for me…

It's a folding water bowl that can be flattened to put in a pocket or a bag, then opened out to hold water for drinking from. Now, the inside of it is black, so quite difficult to see the water level, and I've got soggy ears on more than one occasion now, so I've decided to use it as a toy instead!

I watch whilst they unfold it, fill it up then I pick it up my the rim and carry it away to have a chew of it! As for getting a drink, I just take it from the bottle as they pour it now, although it's quite difficult to get my tongue into that tiny hole where it comes out.

The folding bowl also doubles as a nice, waterproof hat!

Sweary signs about stones

2009-09-08T17:14:00.005+01:00

You know I like sticks and wrapping the magic rope around things, so imagine my joy when I was taken to a forest path for a walk today!?

I weaved in and out of tall trees, baby trees, dead trees, bushes, even managed to drag Furry-face through a spiky bush, but then the magic rope stopped working and I was confined to the main path for some reason?

I discovered some little things that grow on and around trees in a forest, they're called 'ferns' and are very sociable as they have lots of 'friends' or something. They are highly recommended by cats, and I can see why. They have a light, fluffy texture with a strong flavour and a fragrant aroma, making them easy to find. Only problem is they get stuck in my chops, so they hang out the side of my mouth as evidence of snacking.

We passed a sign that Chewy read out to me, I think the sign writer feels really strongly about these stones, maybe they've lost patience from so many persons doing it? I think 'prosecuted' is like 'electrocuted' but done more professionally?! But it does say 'persons', so I should be okay to chomp on a few stones, I'm a beagle!

Big Bang Theory

2009-09-06T23:13:00.005+01:00

Busy day so far, and still not done yet…

I was taken to a dark little alley in town, I feared the worst, I was sure they were going to sell me on the black market! But it was just another opportunity for me to chew the dangly strappy thing once again.

Recently, I've been hearing odd noises in my sleep, coming from the portal cage in the corner, sometimes getting quite loud too. I thought I was dreaming, but they're still there, even when I wake up. They're so loud sometimes, even the wall starts complaining! It sounded like explosions and workmen, maybe the captors in the portal cage are having home improvements? But there were constant interruptions, like the doorbell ringing and no-one being there, Furry-face not even bothering to go to the door, he just sat there laughing, I bet it's another one of his pranks!

Back to the dark alley though… I was sure I could hear the sounds again, Furry-face must've left the portal cage turned on really loud, because this time I could hear the noises from all the way in town!

I decided to ignore them, instead, I watched some pretty lightning in the sky, it was happening over something called "Edhamburger Carsale". It looked like some kind of science experiment, probably the creation of a new world somewhere?

I got bored quickly, so I started chewing random sticks… and something I found that was really chewy, although I'm told it used to be called "Irn Bru", it seemed to be left to wander the streets as a vagrant.

Unpredictable Flying Objects

2009-09-06T18:23:00.006+01:00

I figured my teeth maybe needed more excitement, so we went to a big park next, to play with an odd, orange flying disc called a "Frizzy Bee".

It's apparently especially made for dogs, so we can chew the rubber edge right off. It also whistles on us as it flies, probably to make us follow it to rescue it from crashing?! I chased it for ages, showing off my jumping abilities and letting my teeth bump into it every chance I could. Although that took a lot of practice, it was a little unpredictable in flight, especially if Chewy was throwing it!

After a few hours, my teeth felt a little happier, especially when I let them hang onto the Frizzy Bee without letting go, a great way to cheer up unhappy teeth. Furry-face wasn't too impressed though, it took him ages to get it from me, I think he just wanted to try catching it in his own teeth!

my teeth are escaping…?

2009-09-06T13:49:00.005+01:00

I was sitting in my crate in the back of the red tank, chewing my pink bone and my white cover, trying to satisfy a little gum itch. There was an odd feeling then a little crunching noise. Why were there red drops on the white cover?

As we arrived at our destination, Furry-face found the red drops and picked up a little white hard thing that had been sitting in the red bits. He said it was a baby tooth?! it was tiny, not sure how he spotted it. As I was the only one in the crate, there were definitely no babies around, so either the tooth has miraculously transported into my mouth from elsewhere… or my own teeth are trying to escape?! Now, I've had my teeth for quite a while, as is evident from my toy-testing experiments, so I'm a little confused. Why do they want to run out on me? Have I been working them too hard?

I need to keep a close watch on these teeth. They should be easy enough to spot if they try to escape, they seem to leave behind these bright red wet trails!!!

nowhere to go…

2009-09-05T11:09:00.001+01:00

The Giants have been trying to teach me to go outside when I need to, well, go. They've used various methods of coaching and bribery, including running me to the door after I've woken up - cruelty! Nevertheless, all spoiling my fun at laying minefields!

The latest thing is getting me to sit at the front door and wait. Okay, so I was doing that this morning, I was desperate! The only problem here is that when I'm sitting patiently, staring at the door handle, waiting for a Giant to reach it for me, they can't see me from where they lounge around. I sat for ages, no-one came, so I went looking for some of those paper carpets they leave around. None to be found.

I needed somewhere to go, and fast. I jumped up on to the bed to see if I could see any paper carpets from up there. Now they only use the bed at nights, it's nice and soft, should be absorbent, "why not?" I thought. They weren't impressed. Apparently, it's not as easy to clean up as it is on the carpet. How was I supposed to know?

Lesson learned - make noises whist staring at the door handle. Must learn to whistle!

dumbell & squeaker

2009-09-04T15:02:00.005+01:00

my work on toy-testing has slipped by the wayside lately, so I thought I'd get back to the grind…

My teeth have been getting sharper, although some have felt a little wobbly lately? Anyway, I discovered an interesting technique - the 'tin-opener method' where the toy gets held on the bottom teeth as the top ones work away in a straight line, cutting a section or an end off cleanly. I decided to give the blue dumbbells a new window.

I almost had the squeaker out of that wretched rugby ball, but Furry-face spotted how far I'd progressed and removed it before my Sooty & Sweep impression was complete!

who writes this anyway?

2009-09-03T09:21:00.005+01:00

Sorry it's taking so long to get blog entries up just now, but I have a lot on, teething and all that!

Quite a few folk have asked who writes this? How dare you!!?? Although, I have a confession to make - I do have a secretary!

I dictate things as I think if them and leave them for the typist to publish here on the wwwebernet. Oh come on folks, my paws are WAY too big to hit those tiny keys. I do have to proof read a lot though, and the spell-checker is a life-saver. You just can't get the staff these days.

Happy reading!

no kiddies allowed…

2009-09-01T22:12:00.004+01:00

As the rain stopped, I got taken out to play with my friend Tess.

There were lots of Giants there, all with chewy-straps on gadgets. Some kind of get-together where they all take each others' photo, or something? Tess wasn't interested, she wanted to see why there were people in the distance running after balls, she even managed to join in for a while. I couldn't escape to join her, but I tried.

After it got dark, the Giants took over an enclosed area with lots of monuments for children to play on. Things to climb on, run around, jump over and a few traps thrown in, Tess and I were both caught out by the slippery slope trap. It looked like a little ramp up to the monuments, but it had been greased or something, we tried it a few times, but kept sliding back to the start.

We ran around together for ages, no ropes getting in the way, but it was really dark, she has a lo of black hair, and I lost her. Turns out she was behind me!?

rain away from home

2009-08-31T16:01:00.001+01:00

It rained a lot today, we travelled the width of the country, to get wet?!

I saw a large red jellyfish in the middle of a road, Furry-face told me it was a 'broken humbrella', but I know better, the amount of rain we've had, it was the first of many sea creatures to invade our land as opportunity arises.

Seriously wet though, we could've just done that at home?

body armour?

2009-08-30T15:23:00.003+01:00

For a while now, I've been aware of some small sunny boxes within the Giant's HQ. They light up during the day and become quite warm, appearing to contain some kind of tropical climate.

Well, I discovered today that there are inhabitants in these warm worlds! I met one the Giants call "Dax", he's an odd creature that seems to be able to cling to vertical surfaces, although he's quite fast across the slidey fake-wood floor, he's very good at skidding to a stop. I investigated with a lick or two, but he wears some kind of spiky body armour, it hurt my tongue. He was watching me with his beady eyes, and then he licked me back - from nearly a foot away?!

He ran and skidded across the floor, I wanted to play too, but I seemed to be pinned to the floor by my rear end, must be some side effect of the spikes or long tongue-lick? He returned across the room and climbed the wall back into his warm world, where he was fed some jumpy-things.

Now that I know he's in there, I can sit and watch him from in front of his world, he seems to want out to play, running back and forth in front of me, he waves at me a lot.

Surprised to see me?

2009-08-29T09:54:00.006+01:00

Early morning, I'd been walked and fed, yet the cat clone still lay on the bed, staring at me as I sat on the minefield board? He's normally ran away by this time, very odd.

It wasn't long before Chewy and Furry-face appeared, Chewy sat down on the bed, grabbed the clone and started trying to split his head apart, maybe his jaw had jammed shut, he has been a bit quiet lately? Furry mentioned something about squirming tablets? Then Chewy had both hands around his head, was he going to explode? Furry joined in, as the clone did indeed seem to be squirming, Furry knelt on the bed in front of me, that was my view spoiled!?

The struggle continued for a while, once they had both let go, Chewy moved to one side - the clone sat looking dejected and unhappy, almost foaming at the mouth. Then he realised something was very wrong. His face now one of fear, he took two paces back, hair spiky, Furry suddenly became aware, then Chewy… yes, I was watching again, but not from the floor any more. The realisation by all that I had sneaked onto the bed, which no-one knew I could do, but I'd been practicing, and I was peeking between the two Giants to get a better view.

The cat clone ran up and over Furry-face and flew out of the room, so I rolled over to get my belly rubbed - my turn!

I choose the toys!

2009-08-28T19:26:00.006+01:00

We needed some supplies from the large warehouse, you know, toiletries, food… and a few other things, ahem.

Whilst Furry-face was looking at the smelly black bags and a new neck-tie for me, I was busy behind him, picking myself some new toys from the bins I could reach. There were fuzzy balls on tied-up strings, that now are less fuzzy and no longer tied-up, a bouncy ball that bounced away from me, and kept on bouncing until I lost sight of it, and my favourite new plush - a pink bone.

Yes, pink! I lifted it out quietly, started killing it straight away, and by the time Furry had spotted me, it was wrecked enough and soggy enough, he had to bring it home for me! It's standing up to some quite rigorous testing so far, apart from the washing instructions label, which has now gone!

Yes. PINK! Alright with that?! Grrrrrrrr!

Nyehh… what's up, dog??

2009-08-26T12:43:00.005+01:00

After yesterday's excitement of the party, I recalled the lady in green mentioning something about sore gums and frozen carrots. Now that she's mentioned it, my teeth and gums have been a little twitchy over the past few days, with a sudden urge to chew things very hard, and constantly. Chewy helps it a bit by rubbing that beef-flavoured paste along them, but it comes back after a while.

As luck would have it, Furry-face had been listening too and had already made a 'carrot cone' for me. It made my head shiver, but it was great. So great, I ran around, came back, growled and barked (a lot) at it, then pounced right back on to it, mnnnumnum. Not only does it help soothe my teeth and gums, it's really tasty too! Apparently, I look like something called 'Dugs Bunny'?

Getting the angle right is going to take a lot of training for Furry-face, Chewy's better at holding it, but complains of 'blue fingers', whatever that is?! I might need to invent the 'carrot cone stand' to cut out the useless Giants.

Now, I think my next blog entry should be about this funny smell that's appeared all-of-a-sudden!?!?

Puppy Partaay!

2009-08-25T17:12:00.005+01:00

I'm told that I'm getting bigger, fast! But I hadn't realised it myself until today…

I was invited to a 'puppy party' to meet other pups my age, so I jumped at the chance! I was quite surprised when I arrived to find others already there, some slightly younger, a few the same age, but all much smaller. Then… she arrived! the door opened, there was a flash of light, and her Golden Retriever silhouette appeared in the doorway. Grace was her name, and she deserved it. From the way she stood, her long legs, soft blonde hair, youthful good looks, the way she pulled on her lead, right down to the way she slipped across the slidey floor, just like the rest of us had.

She sat next to me!

We were all given little rubber eggs filled with lots of biscuits and gooey treats, I wanted to share mine with Grace, she agreed. I was distracted momentarily while a pile of new toys to test were emptied onto the floor. I instantly grabbed the ones that looked most destructable and set to work. I hadn't noticed, but all the others had started running around behind me, so after I killed a toy or two, I joined in.

We bounced around the room together, went for a drink, had a run through the tunnel of love (also known as the row of chairs our Giants were sitting on). As Grace and I rolled on the floor playfully, I was aware of something tickling my back leg. I ignored the sensation for a while, but when I turned around, I had a 7 week old Jack Russell pup hanging from my leg, he was very clingy!

After the fun, we were taken out to the waiting room of the animal hospital, so that we could all bark at the bigger dogs that were waiting. Grace left without even a goodbye kiss? But we spoke to lots of folk before we left.

As Furry-face took me out the door to visit the little-boys' field, there she was, once again, a vision of cuteness! She had been bursting for the loo worse than I was and had to leave in a hurry, but the noisy Giants building a large metal and concrete structure next door, had spooked her, she was terrified. I braved the loud noises and escorted her to the communal pee field, past the noisy giants like a knight in furry armour! We played, we pee'd and then we promised to see each other again one day.

Show & Smell

2009-08-23T20:21:00.001+01:00

Beagle Racing was early today, we had to be there for 10am, something about a fun day with shows. I was hoping for a cabaret or even a comedy hour, but instead, we got dragged around a wet field getting muddy, smelly and very soggy.

I can't resist a roll in the wet grass, especially if there's mud or poo in it, so by the time our show was meant to start, I was black! I wasn't even allowed to get any popcorn or ice cream? Mind you, I got plenty hot dogs for behaving in the ring. Which is an odd name for a square bit of field? Anyway, My 'class' was called, I was hoping it was 'cunning' or 'toy-testing' they taught, but only walking to heel and in a straight line. I'm no use at that, so I ran, bounced, barked, growled and chewed my way across the ring. I wasn't impressed with the lady that tried to steal my ears though. I gave her a paw, then the other, but she didn't want them, I suspect she was looking for sticks or stones that I'd stored in my jowls for later snacks!

I must have scared off all the competition, as I was the only beagle puppy in my class. I won! Best Beagle Puppy!

I was being bullied by a Plumber Terrier in my other class though, so I fought back (from behind Chewy's legs) and I suspect that's why I didn't get a prize that time.

My hero Murphy did really well too, he won the Best Racing dog and also got first in the Beagle Derby, again! He got a funky green coat to wear and a HUGE trophy. I could've fitted inside it, well, maybe six weeks ago. His older sister, Babycakes, won quite a few little chewy rosettes too. She's cool too!

I celebrated in style with a short run up the track, the land squid was very fast today, but so was I! I nearly escaped too, Furry-face almost didn't catch me, I was going so fast. 20 yards I got today. I think I impressed a few whippets! No photos though, Furry-face was too busy trying to catch me!

over, under, through, around… knots

2009-08-22T14:47:00.000+01:00

Yesterday, I managed to soak my long rope in the sea and then drag it through some nasty horsey stuff, so Chewy treated me to a trip to the giant warehouse, and bought me a Magic Rope!

This Magic Rope is fantastic, it gets longer as I run away, yet it vanishes as I run back towards it, now how am I going to catch it to play? It seems to be quite stubborn sometimes, no matter how hard I pull it or lick it, it just won't come out. Very odd, further testing required at a future date!

It didn't take me long to figure out that if I go around a tree or a fencepost, whichever Giant is on the other end of the Magic Rope has to either come with me, or pass the handle around the object.

Well, I'm not one to miss an opportunity, under a fence, around the post, through a bush, and then back under the original fence for good measure. By that time, the first knot has been undone, so perfect timing. Trees are no fun though, I was chasing a leaf on the wind but it cunningly circled a tree to escape. I have decided that leaves are, in fact, magicians, and are aware of the secrets of the Magic Rope.

I theorise that I could weave the Magic Rope in and out of a Giant's legs to tie them up on the spot, a gentle push should be enough to conquer and overcome them!

BBQ at a Beach

2009-08-21T18:31:00.010+01:00

This morning, I was allowed a short sleep in the tank, then I was was led through a really tall grass tunnel to a hazy, sweet-smelling clearing with hundreds of Giants, and tenty-things with strings to chew on. It must be a secret location of the Giants' homeworld, entered only by grassy tunnel? The misty, smoky stuff smelled so tasty, like my hot dog treats, only more cooked. Way more cooked! It was making me drool!

I was led over a hill to see sea, and more of that sandy stuff, the sea seemed to be fighting it harder than ever. I barked at it, but was ignored. I met lots of new friends, giant and dog, some of them played with me on the beach, but they were quite careless and kept throwing their toys in the salty water. I joined in, but I only have little leggies, so I got very wet, but the water makes me quite thirsty - how odd!?

After throwing my bouncy ball in the salty stuff too many times, I decided to bury it in this sand. I frantically dug a hole, but when I turned around to get the ball, it had gone?! Only a large, sandy mound where it had been. Very strange. So I just dug some more to pass the time.

I saw some odd things though, including a man walking his box on a string in the sky, a round Giant cycling through the sea wearing a black rubber band, a pair of abandonned shoes, two Giants torturing a ball tied to a skinny tree using bats to swing it around, and some tiny buildings on the sand that I was able to demolish quite easily.

After a run, some jumping, a swim, but no midday snooze, I was glad to catch some Z's on the return home. After I'd played with the stick I sneaked on-board!!!

Now that you know, I'll get comfy!

2009-08-20T13:54:00.003+01:00

So I figured, now that my jumping secret has been revealed, I might as well make myself at home!?

Before, the cushions were a dead giveaway showing up my white hair, but I was looking forward to a soft, comfy lie down, this leather stuff is really slippy. I dragged the cushions into the warm sunshine, carefully got them stacked on top of each other, time for a LONG nap. Well, now that Furry-face and Chewy know I can get up here, I don't have to worry about the evidence or keep my ears tuned for the footsteps!

I awoke as the sun's warmth faded, I was aware that Furry-face had returned, sitting next to me. "This is the life" I thought, I'll just wait until he gets up for more coffee, then I'll steal the spot he's softened and warmed up for me!

Sofa - Rumbled

2009-08-19T22:45:00.001+01:00

For a while now, I've been sneakily practising my leaping abilities. I've been keeping it low-profile, little things have been teleporting themselves mysteriously from "out of reach" places onto the floor. A cusion, a wet towel, a jacket, rubber bands, pens, camera case - carelessness or forgetfullness got the blame, even the cloned cat was pointed at a few times.

Over the past few days, I've had some close calls. On hearing footsteps or voices, I've been spotted emerging from the main room, looking sweet and innocent, just wakened and stretching, from "my bed". But today, I was so tired, my lightning reflexes failed me. Rumbled!

I've been leaping onto the sofa for wee snoozes (avoiding the cushions as they would collect my white hairs and give my new-found abilities away), but alas, I'm discovered. Where I was always allowed up on Furry-face or Chewy, it was only on them, never the sofa itself. So now that they know of my agility, I can show them that I can jump up on them without having my rear lifted by them.

Now to perfect the 'sneak manouvre' that allows me to enter the room quietly and leap, unannounced onto them, getting the maximum startled reaction, and even high-pitched tears from Furry-face for some reason?

a spot of gardening

2009-08-18T21:36:00.004+01:00

not so long ago, I discovered the sneaky tricks gardeners use to keep their plants safe. Nets, fences, large invisible forcefields, and even making plants live on top of walls. Now, my wee leggies can't get me up to these walled gardens yet, but my cunning has won the day again.

The distraction technique, if timed properly, should catch out even the most experienced and knowledgeable dognapper! The coat gets put on, the treats placed in pocket, leash gets picked up, "sit", door unlocked, handle pulled down, pee now! During the long walk to the food preparation room, squeeze a paw in the gap the door has. Free! Well, into the front garden at least!

But what to snack on? So much choice - grass, heather, weeds, leaves, petals, more weeds… and roses. Quite a challenge these roses! My first bounce through the garden a few days ago, I found the clever defences of these roses. They fired a triangular pointy bit of wood into my paw pads. Furry-face had to remove it as I couldn't walk without it getting pushed further in. But today, I was ready, I snuck up on them from behind, snapping off their arms between the defences, chomping away to remove their skin, the leaves and petals are quite tasty!

Once the pee was neutralised, my rose attacking was foiled, head down, tromp back through the leaves, sad, sorrowful eyes set to maximum!

catching a wave

2009-08-17T13:33:00.006+01:00

I'm getting lots of practice with this long rope. Furry-face seems happy if I explore the undergrowth for a while then run to catch up, or run on ahead and find things to take him in return for treats.

I was reeled in to go visit the white-water rapids in the park. I tried to chase the waves as they swam past, I even tried to get closer. Slippy things these rocks. Hey, I can swim, who knew!? I got it though, I caught the wave, tried to carry it for a bit too, but it seeped out through my jowls as I jumped trough various tree roots.

We walked back up a big hill, then through a forest where I played at picking up a bigger stick each time. Until I found one that was clinging onto the ground really hard. Then I walked away, embarrassed.

odd ropes and soft gray floors

2009-08-16T22:47:00.000+01:00

I got to go see Bar Knee again today, he's looking old, I think I'll get him a couple of pairs of walking sticks as presents. His servant had a contraption that spits out lengths of rope, they attached it to me and we went outside.

Almost free!!!! I was able to run for miles, this rope seemed endless. I tried to figure out which way was home, but there was a sweet smell of hotdogs, and a brand new bouncy ball, very distracting. Furry-face was at one end of the long green carpet, Chewy at the other end. They took turns at calling me, so I went from one end to the other. Well, they were just giving away these hotdogs.

I got a bit full though, so started exploring, then this new ball went whizzing past, I gave chase. I took it to Furry-face, he didn't want it, he threw it at Chewy. I followed it and caught it just before it hit her. Chewy didn't want it either, she threw it at, well, not sure what she was aiming at, but I went to get it for Furry-face. He kept throwing it at Chewy, I kept chasing it, Chewy must've been trying to confuse my directional skills, hitting windows, sheds, bushes, Furry was safe!

I was tired, so we went to see Chewy's folks, they have a strange outbuilding (must be their toilet) that was fun to make Chewy chase me around, she got lost. As well as the strange small building, they have indoor fake concrete floors, but soft. I decided to give it a test-run, nice and soft for bouncing on, running on and also peeing on, most comfortable.

I think they should go into mass production and cover the whole of outside with it.

Time-travelling Tin Men

2009-08-15T20:46:00.000+01:00

We went looking for a nice place to have a run around free today, no luck, we aparently need a large fenced area to stop Furry-face and Chewy wandering off and getting lost. The search continues.

But we did stumble accross some time-travellers, these folk were from medium evil times aparently. Some were wearing old bed sheets and rugs, but there were a few giant, walking tuna tins, they must have become extinct since then. Some of the lady giants in sheets stopped to speak, obviously never had beagles in medium evil times!

I attempted to chase one of the giant men, he had a particularly fluffy sheet round his neck, all the way to his old shoes - they looked well-used, worn, soft - okay they looked tasty! I grabbed his 'cloak' but Furry-face made me let go, something about hot liquid from above? I guess it was protected like castles used to be, boiling water poured on attackers. He came back once his hands were free from coffee-type defences.

Two of these giant tuna tins were now sitting on top of vintage horses, they looked like very old models, some still had the dust covers on them. But these two tins were now carrying small trees, they started hitting each other with them? I think someone forgot the tin-opener for lunch, and they were getting hungry and desparate!

Two of the vintage horses tried to steal a giant, he looked terrified, but they stopped as they couldn't find an escape route.

When they returned to their own time, I wandered around, meeting lots of other dogs, including a hybrid beagle, he was similar size and age to me, but much stronger and very easy to wind up. He had really long legs, I bet they'd come in handy for racing!

We stopped for some food, and something called 'cones' - I preferred my leaf, it didn't have any flaky bits!

Fox ShamPoo

2009-08-14T15:11:00.004+01:00

Whilst I was at the Beagle Racing, lots of other beagles gave me advice and taught me a few things I didn't know about giants and life as a beagle. There were lots of little whispers in my ear from experienced dogs-of-the-world.

The best way to keep our coats shiny, soft, well-conditioned and smelling sweet - Fox ShamPoo! That's right, wild-found, fully natural ingredients, no artificial preservatives or colourings, it's the perfect treatment for beagle fur.

The secret to a Fox ShamPoo treatment is making sure you find it in plenty of time to dive in it and roll around, rub it all over, massaging it into your head, face, back, legs, and even lying down on it to get it into those hard-to-reach underarm areas.

This is particularly difficult if you haven't mastered off-lead control yet, spotting the product before a giant does, and having plenty application time whilst on a short leash is tricky. A quick dive onto it and rolling as fast as you can before a giant can realise you've found your Fox ShamPoo should allow enough coating to improve fur quality and odour.

I've found it's a great way to attract the doggy ladies too. An irresistible scent, apparently.

Running the Gauntlet

2009-08-13T14:59:00.007+01:00

I forgot to mention that last week, I had a chance to try out a Beagle Agility Assault Course. It was after the excitement of the racing, it must've slipped my mind.

Biggles and Beanie brought along some hurdles and a scary blue tunnel, they seemed to know what they were doing, so I watched them for a while. It looked easy, so I decided to have a wee shot. I'd heard Beagles were used to wake soldiers each morning in the army, possibly another career opportunity?

The hurdles were in the lowest setting, I think the higher ones are for stilt-walking dogs from the circus. I'd watched the others sail over the bars with ease, but my short legs just couldn't reach. I instantly discovered a wee shortcut, a cunning plan to just walk straight under them as I was the perfect height for it. After the first run, well, more like a bloated, sleepy stagger, I realised that I'd taken out every fence? My harness acted like a sharks fin, knocking over each bar with perfect precision. My second attempt was more successful. I did refuse at one jump to go around the side, well, the grass was tastier there!!

The scary blue tunnel was like a horror ride at a funfair to me, there was a scary, upside-down Furry-face at the other end, making high-pitched wailing noises of "cumonen" and "thruyacum". I went through as there were treats involved, but it felt like I was surrounded by smurfs waiting to ambush me.

No rope-swings or zip-wire though, disappointed!?

Eating Them out of House and Home

2009-08-12T12:21:00.004+01:00

Occasionally, I'm left to roam the enclosed rear yard at HQ by myself, this has come in handy in the past for finding catfood lying around unattended.

I've tried out the various attractions, the weeds, the stones, I really like ferns and plastic plant pots, but I've discovered I have access to something tastier than stones - the building!

I found a small crack in the render along the bottom of the wall, if I nudge it hard enough and repeatedly, I can knock bits of the building off to chew on. MUCH tastier than big stones, kind of a woody, brick-like flavour, with a sandy texture. It's especially good followed by a rain-bucket drink. Quite the picnic-at-home.

Stick Rattling

2009-08-11T13:38:00.006+01:00

it's one thing to carry a stick around, but to put it to good use whilst it's in your mouth takes great skill.

Here's something you could try next time you're out for a walk, pick up a medium to large-sized stick, carefully work it over to one side of your mouth, hanging out by the end. Next you need to find a metal fence or equally spaced out fence poles or posts. Metal, wood or plastic, although metal polse give the best effect. Metal fences with small gaps are the funniest.

Make sure the stick is hanging out of your mouth at the side the fence is on, then casually move closer until it starts to contact the fence/poles. Keep a tight grip on the stick, start the clanging. Well spaced-out posts give a solid 'donk' every so often, but if you can find a metal fence with small gaps, a rewarding 'ratatatatatatatatatat' will sound for the length of the walk. Or until a giant has had enough noise and removes the stick.

Apologies for the poor-quality video, Furry-face isn't as handy with video as he is stills, I think it's the lack of straps!

Racing in the Rain

2009-08-09T19:38:00.001+01:00

After two days of a break from Chewy and Furry-face, they treated me to another day at the racing. A few of my friends from last time were there, but some were sadly missing. I had long chats with some of them, but their giants kept interrupting us. They kept getting my name wrong though, they seemed to think my name was "Heesgrown". A few even thought I was a different puppy, must have been the way I had my hair combed?

I hoped to get another wee run to try and catch that red and white land squid. I waited patiently for ages, watching the others try to get it, I got a little bored, so I tried to chew through my chain, I was nearly through when I got carried on to the track. The squid was fast this time, but I was faster, I caught it twice, even growled at it a few times whilst running. Although I didn't manage to stop the second time, it tripped me up as I grabbed it and I tumbled tail-over-snout. Very sneaky this squid, I'll get my revenge next time!

Then we all had to run, no squids to chase, but there seemed to be a flood coming from the sky.

The Beagle Binman

2009-08-08T23:01:00.005+01:00

A very early start today, I was taken into town to meet yesterday's stand-in captor, she obviously didn't learn her lessons. I explored her lair, attacking her pet furry slippers, repeatedly. Once again, the pee distraction worked flawlessly, and I discovered, although I can't climb trees, the giant-bed in her lair was more accessible than that in Furry-face & Chewy's HQ. Or have I just eaten a cake that made me grow tall?

A large pee at one end of the lair, trot off to the room containing the bed, one large jump and small scramble later, on the bed, result! At last, I can get a decent chew of the covers, and my first taste of things called "Pillows". These things are really soft, extremely chewy yet great for bouncing up and down on. Unless, of course, they've been chewed too much, then they get too soggy and refuse to bounce.

It turned out that this "Ola" had a career plan for me. I'd heard that Edinburgh's Refuse Collectors were all on the holiday island called "Strike", so there was no-one to do their jobs collecting bins. Obviously a plan to put my hoovering skills to good use!

We set off through the streets, picking up bottles, wrappers, small cardboard telescopes, soggy things, dry things, paper that simply melts in the mouth, delicious. There were even Giant versions of my latest toy, the Kong, a more detailed report on that soon! The Giant version is apparently called "Cans", just like the Kongs, the treats inside need to be extracted from the outer puzzle bit using the tongue.

As much as my efforts seemed to be going well, one day is not enough to clean the streets. It was late when Furry & Chewy returned, they took me out for one last refuse pickup, but I refused to co-operate and jumped into their temporary tank. I slept all the way back from town.

Ola Day

2009-08-07T16:48:00.004+01:00

Both Chewy and Furry-face ran away today, they mentioned something about an "Ola Day"? My hard work recognised at last, a short break for beagles perhaps?

My stand-in captor has read her mission instructions, luckily, I read them first. Full advantage will be taken of "don't let him help clean up after a pee or poo, make sure he can't see you". The quick-pee distraction technique should fix that - a small pee at one end of the great hall, followed by a brisk trot to nibble on whatever bag has been left at my level.

The technique works perfectly, so well, in fact, that I managed to keep her so busy I couuld sneak into the back garden, right in to the cat-house-rabbit-house (wasn't that a Tina Turner lyric?). My timing was perfect, there must be an automatic sensor that opens the food container, the second I approached, it sprung open, a full tray of catfood! Mmmm - Cod & Plaice!

Why does this catfood taste SO much better than my rabbity-chickeny stuff?

Squggels

2009-08-06T09:32:00.003+01:00

I was walking through the park, dragging ol' Furry-face behind me, hoovering up nice sticks that had fallen from the sky (but hadn't grown up yet), when this ball of fur fell from the sky, landing bolt upright, just within pouncing distance.

It just sat there?! Furry-face was equally surprised, but after a few seconds, he reassured me that it wasn't an evil flying monkey from that 'Oz' film, it was a "Squiggel", well, that's what he said, I'm sure of it. It was a grey one, not red, I guess that means they aren't ready to eat yet?

It looked embarrassed, but just as I was about to investigate further, it started making the weirdest high-pitched noises I've ever heard. Tilting my head didn't make them any clearer, but it scampered off towards the big tree nearby, still chirping at me, as if it were my fault it had fallen from the sky?! I followed.

Today I have discovered… I can't climb trees.

The Joy of Socks

2009-08-04T22:26:00.001+01:00

I have developed a strange urge lately… a sudden desire to grab things in my arms, then thrust my hips repeatedly and frantically. I have absolutely no idea why this feeling suddenly takes control, nor do I have any clue what I'm actually doing, as there seems to be no point to it, it's just like an itch that needs scratched.

The urge has led me to grab my chewy dog and repeatedly thrust at it. Now let me tell you, grabbing a long, skinny chewy dog in the right position ain't easy! It even managed to make little squeaking noises in time with my hip movements, most interesting.

Other victims of this urge include my bed, a doorstop, a plant pot, a duvet and my favourites, Furry-face and Chewy's socks! Neither of them seem to like me doing this, but they just leave their feet lying there, with socks of various colours, textures and smells. If they're sitting on the floor, the position of their foot is irresistible, as I can grab their toes easily whilst gyrating on their ankles, or even their soles if the position is reversed. It seems to have the strange reaction of them removing their socks though, which isn't fair, I can't grab their bare feet quite as well! But if I watch closely, I can see where they put them, then go steal them when they turn around, free to grab them as I please, in any position I can get myself into.

Never-ending Waves and Traps

2009-08-03T20:09:00.001+01:00

I took Furry-face for a walk to South Queensferry again, I intended to investigate the smelly "chippie" further, but after dragging him the length of the main street, there was no smell and the shop was closed. I decided to hunt for some raw ingredients at the harbour, I could smell fish, and these 'chips' must follow them around, as they always seem to be together.

I sped down a ramp to the source of the smell, but was met with small puddles of liquid similar to my drinking water, but not tasty in the slightest, it made me want to spit it out, someone must've over-salted it. As I approached the massive water bowl at the base of the ramp, the salty liquid in it started chasing me, then running away again? As soon as I dived after it, it turned around again to attack me! I bent down and growled at it, but still it ran away, came back, getting closer each time. I tried throwing some empty stone-eggs at it, but it seemed to swallow these shells and carry them away.

I tried lying down, waiting for it to get tired, but Furry-face was too impatient and carried me away up some stairs, said we'd get carried away too if we stayed any longer.

As we walked back to the tank, I saw a vantage point to get a better attack at the liquid in the massive bowl. I squeezed my ears through the gap to get a better look, A TRAP!!! This liquid must be quite intelligent to have such defences. Furry-face had to rescue me, how embarrassing!?

dreams come true

2009-08-02T18:36:00.009+01:00

An early start for us all today, to help us forget the tragic events of the last few days, we set off for a trip to a car boot sale, at Kill Ross. Now, I'm sure the red tank already has a boot, but anyway, we wandered around. There were some second-hand books, jewellery, old toys, no boots, but there was this great table cover that had some old jewellery sitting on it. I had to have it, so I wandered off with it. Chewy caught the stuff from the top, and Furry-face wouldn't let me keep it, said I had covers already.

Then, they had a surprise for me… a short trip to a Kings car den, a large field with a fenced-off strip, numbers on vests and beagles, other beagles - Beagle Racing!!!

There were these two nutters, Biggles and Beanie, they shouted a lot, so I joined in, they dug up grass, so I joined in, they had a huge play fight… I watched from behind Furry-face's legs. We walked to the track where lots of giants made their dogs jealous by rubbing my fur, then we heard a loud "GO", followed by a sudden blur behind the fence. Aren't whippets fast?!

More beagles appear, some form near the HQ, might need to go sniff them out soon. Then my mate Murphy appeared, he looked ill. The beagles pulled on their coloured numbers, lined up using their servants as a starting block to push off, another loud "GO", they're off… well, some of them, they were chasing some strange red and white land-squid, it's very fast, none of them could catch it. There were quite a few races, then Chewy picked me up to get a better look, then walked around the fence, "wow, what a view I'll get." I thought. We walked up the track, I was placed in front of the squid - he said it - "go" - I ran, I sped as fast as my wee stubby legs could take me, Furry-face had the black, gadgety, clicky thing with the strap, ten giant yards away, "get out of the way Furry, the squid'll get ya!" But I caught it in time, I actually caught it. It was slimy and slippy, then Furry rescued it. It wasn't a dream, I was really there. But I was too small for a full race. I qualified though, fastest puppy!

I got to watch Murphy racing - I have a LOT of practice to do, he's cool AND fast, like lightning! Can't wait to see him when he's well.

(that's me eating my "first" rosette)
I know who I'm dedicating that to!!

A Box of Memories

2009-08-01T15:53:00.006+01:00

The giants next door shouted for us as we left the HQ, they were carefully carrying a cardboard box towards us. I'm not sure what significance this cardboard box had, but Furry-face and Chewy's reaction was one of disbelief, grief, loud wailings of "Nnooooo" and their bodies turning into fountains, their eyes the spouts.

Furry-face had to hold up Chewy, she nearly fell over, so I helped by grabbing her legs. The loud noises and face-leaking continued as we returned indoors with the box, something was very wrong.

Whilst we had been far away, learning how silly deer were, someone had taken Dylan away from us using their off-road tank. I feel sad that someone could do that, and from what they said, he's not going to be coming back to us?

We had to take the cardboard box back to the nice folk at the vet school, they were sad too, but I got to play with some of the faces from the window a few days earlier. I was even taken to meet some of my relatives that live there during the day, Murphy and Babycakes. They were nice, I hope I grow up to be like Murph, he's a cooool beagle! They looked after me whilst Furry and Chewy sobbed a bit and spoke to the nice people about the box. I think I'll be seeing Murphy & Babycakes again soon.

We returned to HQ without the box, it felt very different there, like something loved was missing. I need to stop speaking now, I'm sure you understand.

oh deer…

2009-07-31T23:59:00.005+01:00

After a long, fun day of artiness in an arty town, with very arty (pronounced 'nutty') people, it was time to get back in the tank to sleep whilst we return to HQ. It was dark and there were even bigger tanks than ours on the road, but there was more on the road than tanks…

Something called a 'deer' didn't go to the hedgehog's school of road safety. It decided to run across the road without looking either way, between the larger tanks in front, and us. I was just nodding off to doggy dreamland as I was jolted forward, only stopped by the cumbersome restraint they insist on making me chew whilst inside the tank. Deer are apparently very stupid, thinking they could win a fight with a red tank driven by Furry-face. Furry managed to stop very quickly, and got out to shout at the deer, I think. I'm not overly interested in deer, but as it was cold, and late, I decided to go for another sleep.

Many hours later, I awoke beside a man with a mummy tank that carried our red tank on its back, he was nice, spoke of VW's and Harleys, although he did call me a spaniel, how insulting?! After he helped Furry-face patch up our tank, we set off on a long, slow trek, all tired and shaken, but uninjured, to arrive home at 3am. I fancy a midnight snack!

Mad Cows in Dumfries?

2009-07-30T20:54:00.013+01:00

After a long ride in the tank, we were met by Anthea & Dave, two very mad giants. We were taken on a tour of their kingdom, through a feeding garden, where every step there was something new to eat, past an angry factory that kept venting steam, and a large, smelly hotel for fish.

Kick the Coo Brae is an artists town, full of very mad people and very odd places. We visited an outdoor piano, a boat in a garden, a president's shed and a tiny field of cardboard cows? Furry-face and Chewy helped build a temporary house, it took 6 of them, the instructions said they only should have used 2, that's maybe why it took them so long, it was funny to watch, but I was happy enough chewing on a giant stick they'd left me. They had to move my dizzy stick though, it was placed too close to the plants, whilst they were playing at builders, I wandered into a shrubbery for a feast!

After a snooze and convincing the giants to try eating some plants, we all went to listen to some plumbers in skirts playing their bags of pipes and washing machine drums, a Scottish tradition I understand, but the noise didn't bother me. I met lots of mini giants wanting to rub my fur, and also met a gorgeous older woman with long, wiry hair, she liked me, but Chewy wouldn't let us run off together! So I decided to take Chewy for a long walk instead, during which I became a work of art on my very own plynth, just like in London's Tresvulgar Square.

vet nap

2009-07-29T17:29:00.006+01:00

I met a really nice man in a white coat at the vet school today, but I was quite rude and fell asleep whilst he was speaking. Apparently, it's not normal for a dog to get themselves comfy and nod off to sleep whilst lying on the examination table? Don't know why, that rubber is quite soft and rather comforting, it doesn't soak up the drool though?!

I was wakened by laughter coming from a window, lots of faces appeared to laugh at my sleepiness, someone even came in and took photos, I tried to lick the lens, but she was too fast, so I fell asleep again. After the nice man poked and prodded me (I think he was trying to remove my eyes), we went to meet lots of fun people and other dogs, some ignored me, barking at them doesn't seem to help them notice me, odd!? Then I met a really giant dog, he gave me a wash just by standing over me, then blew on me and I fell over. I think his name was Bernie the Mountain?

I like it there, think I'll go back to visit when I need a snooze.

It's Careless to Burn an Island

2009-07-28T20:18:00.006+01:00

Today we visited the island that got burnt, I mean, how careless are these giants? I thought they were over reacting again, but, sure enough, theyre still at it. Evidence all along the cliff path that they still burn it today.

Someone kept blowing in my face whilst we were on the cliffs. I couldn't see who, every time I turned around, they'd gone?! I don't like it, I try to catch the air with my teeth before it hits my nose, but it's tricky.

We met a few other dogs, they didn't like me much, even rolling on my back whilst howling didn't win them over. Then we went on a completely wasted trip to see the Kings Horn, no sign anywhere, so I got dragged to Petty Curse Bay. On the way there, the tank windows were down, and Chewy was shouting at a man we passed, he had a smelly bum apparently? I was too busy listening our for those funny popping noises behind me again!

Once we arrived, there were more cats to chase, lots of fishy smells and I discovered this stuff called 'sand'. It's great, really chewy and has lots of funny stones in it, they're shells apparently?! I don't have the time to sit and wait for a stone to hatch out of its shell, but it only seems to happen at beaches, they must need the salted water or something? Anyway, sand tastes great, so does the 'sea wee' it has in it. There was a small sealskinned thing playing with a toy in the water, iy was getting blown away by the mysterious face-blower, he was being dragged for miles. Furry-face and Chewy said they wanted to scream, I couldn't be bothered, it was time for my nap!

the dizzy stick

2009-07-27T19:25:00.003+01:00

Whilst I was at the heavily cow-guarded mansion, I was placed in a large green-carpeted area with all-in-one table seats scattered about, but I was not allowed to roam free. I was attached to a large, shiny, twisted stick they planted. This stick seemed to have a forcefield around it, because when I reached a certain distance, I was stopped in my tracks. I tried running as fast as I can in the direction the forcefield allowed, but I just got dizy and fell over, the forcefield became stronger the more I ran, the area became smaller, until Furry-face hit some kind of reset switch, allowing me the original distance.

An impromptu game was devised to fool the forcefield, it allowed me to weave in and out of the wooden legs of the tablechairs, causing Furry-face to chase me by crawling and retracing my route.

Then they taunted me with strange bird-like creatures, they called them pee-a-lots or something, they wanted to eat my food, and the giants' food too, but I suspect they were after my chewy tyre! I got revenge by chasing them away (as far as the forcefield allowed) and then eating their supply of grass, sticks, and some strange round pellets that tasted yucky, but I ate them anyway.

Protected by Guard Cows

2009-07-27T17:32:00.005+01:00

Furry-face took us in his red tank to a House full of Binns today, these bins must be incredibly important as they have a regiment of large, highly-smelly bovine soldiers guarding them. We had to navigate through them as they stopped us by standing in front of the tank, staring us down or running slowly in front of us. Don't cows run funny?! The smell was overpowering, I could see them as I stood up at the window, but I could smell them from anywhere.

There were also white fluffy things, no, not clouds, sheep. What's the point of sheep? No use as guards, they run away, untrainable and they just follow each other everywhere, sounds like humans, I know!

Once we got to the large house, we didn't even go inside to see the Binns, said I wasn't allowed, but I think these bins are top secret, why else would they be so well guarded?

We went for a walk through the trees instead, and then did some hill-climbing, through minefields left by the cows and sheep, up to a tall, round tower, it was locked though, maybe some kind of prison, but we couldn't rescue the prisoners inside. They'd even hung a large blue, stripey towel up a pole, very odd behaviour.

Bar Knee Tail

2009-07-26T20:32:00.005+01:00

We returned to the home of the old grey dog with the odd name, he seemed more alert this time, I think he's been through rehab! Those eyes just say it all!

The rooms were smaller than I remember, and Bar Knee had hidden his sausages from me, but I found his pig and also a funky tyre. This thing must be alive, it rolls away from me on its own and is pretty good at sneaking up on me.

It looks like Furry-face also managed to play the same evil 'tail' trick on grey dog, but he can't reach his, he's not as bendy as me. I offer to help him out, grabbing it for him, trying to remove it and shake it off, but they seem to have installed the same anti-tamper, pressure sensitive torture device, he keeps yelling when I help.

I was allowed to roam free, untethered within their green-carpeted fortress, with a wooden barrier all around. The giants shouted on me a lot, I went to them sometimes, as they had tasty hot dog treats, but I found some other, rather nice food planted there whilst I wandered. As well as delicious daisies, I discovered I now like pansies and azalea japonica, must be a delicacy from afar.

archive footage of toy testing

2009-07-26T12:18:00.003+01:00

Some video footage of my early toy-testing career was discovered on a browse through the vaults, my techniques have improved since then, as has my awareness of onlookers.

horses and hairy mountains

2009-07-25T17:49:00.006+01:00

Well, after a disappointing trip to the canal, apart from Furry-face falling down the stairs at an aqueduct, I was taken to meet lots of other dogs and these things called horses.

These horse things are huge, they all had giants growing from their backs, but they leave smelly land mines everywhere they go. All of their human growths made the funny "oh how cute" noises at me, but Furry-face wouldn't let me chase them away.

I also met a hairy mountain that licked me, Furry and Chewy said it was called a 'New Found Land', an interesting concept of a mini, mobile island you take with you on holiday? I met lots of other things too, other dogs that were able to carry huge sticks (I had a go myself, need bigger legs to accomplish that), lots of toddlers and screaming mini-giants, and also a strange, wet, semi-skinned one that looked as if he had fell from the sky, landed flat-out on a bridge over the river. He wasn't moving, barking at him didn't help, but licking his wet, dirty feet seemed to wake him up again.

We had a race back up the hill to the red tank, something about a trophy for getting back before the gate was locked at 5? I won!

Yay, we're going to the canal…

2009-07-24T10:23:00.000+01:00

…whatever a canal is? Furry-face just told me he's taking me to the canal because he's had enough of me peeing on the carpet, rewards at last!

The rain's stopped outside, so he's getting a few things together for me, then we're off. I'm looking forward to this, I've heard that the canal has some great swimming, so long as you're not too heavy, and there's meant to be fishes I can play with.

indoor rain

2009-07-23T19:23:00.002+01:00

All this playing in the wet outdoors has its down side, now I smell! The giants have a magic, indoor fresh-rain cubicle that freshens things.

It's a strange feeling on my fur, not sure I like it, but my defensive shakey-move has no effect in this cubicle. Then they add this "shampoo" to me, all over (and I mean even the sensitive bits), it smells funny, like fake fruit, but the more they rub it in, the foamier it gets, I look like a mini polar bear! It gets rinsed off and now I smell all funny, but fruity.

More chewing and playing with the giant towel gets me back to normal, but not before I managed a flawless shake all over the walls, carpet and both giants!

Thundersday

2009-07-23T16:13:00.001+01:00

They forgot to turn off the swimming pool switch yesterday, it's still wet out. I didn't know furry-face had so many clothes?! He's not well today, I can tell, he needs me to look after him, but I appreciate him taking me out to play in the wet. The sky is still angry but growling louder today, I'm told it's 'thunder' and isn't anything to worry about.

I've decided to treat ol' furry-face to a game of 'drag the bed'. This consists of getting one corner as wet as possible from chewing it, then sliding it across the fake-wood floor as quickly as I can, before running to the front door and back then diving onto it, skidding as far back to where it should be as I can. Add toys for the added complexity of trying to keep them on the bed. The game ends by falling asleep wherever the bed finishes, it will mysteriously slide it's own way back to the starting position once asleep!

Wetnesday

2009-07-22T18:42:00.000+01:00

There seems to be a switch somewhere that turns the outside of the giants HQ into a swimming pool. When the front door opened this morning, there was a lake up to the step and it stretched all the way to the beepy lights on the corner. Some cars swam past, creating a tidal wave that completely soaking furry-face. He carried me all the way to the park, so I escaped the swimming.

All that water makes sticks slippy, but they melt easier when chewed, great fun! I kinda like lying down in the rain, there's drinking bowls everywhere too. The water falling hurts a little today, and the sky's growling at me, but dragging furry-face into the bushes is fun.

I was really glad to get home, I got wrapped in a large towel as he tried to rub my fur off. Not a moment too soon, I was desperate for a wee! (I made sure I did it whilst old furry-face was getting changed into yet another set of clothes) There's a funny smell in here now, hehe, it smells like wet human!

Massive Dog Toy in the Water!!!

2009-07-21T22:45:00.002+01:00

I seem to get out on LONG afternoon walks now, but sometimes we go out in the evening instead. I don't mind either way, but the light's better to see things in the day.

I was taken to South Queensferry to chase moths and small flies, I even met another dog, I think she was a vagrant as she didn't have any servants with her, but my giants seemed to know her. But then I spotted a HUGE toy in the water, it's big and red, even has a shaped bit in the middle to grab on to! I kept trying to chase after it, but I couldn't quite reach it, maybe it had a forcefield around it to stop dogs stealing it? After I had tired out those two, we headed home, but we drove past something called a "chippie", although they didn't stop, the smell stuck in my nose for hours, I hope we go back so I can investigate!

Invisible Friends?

2009-07-21T09:07:00.008+01:00

Furry-faced giant seems to have couple of invisible friends? Every time we go out for a walk, he brings them along, but I can't see them! Totally without warning, he'll call on them, repeatedly, then he takes whatever I'm playing with away from me? I mean, if he can't see them, and they're not answering him, he shouldn't be taking out his frustrations on me!

I used to look up at him or look around when he was shouting for them, but now I think it's best just to ignore him and make sure I'm not playing with anything at the time. His invisible friends are called "Droppit" and "Leavvit" if anyone else knows them?!

Fast and Woofified

2009-07-20T16:58:00.008+01:00

The giants decided it would be a good idea to take me to meet their parents, and cure my fear of loud noises and cars at the same time.

I'm told that car shows are an opportunity for giants to take the cars they've bred to compete against each other. This is great for getting cars socialised at an early age, where they can meet different breeds, all colours and sizes, and even win prizes for 'best parked', 'loudest voice' or 'silliest face-paint'. Some of these breeds of cars have very loud voices, some can even scream very loudly at each other, but there were a few that sounded quite ill, I even heard folk saying they were "sick, dude!" So why take them to socialise if the other cars might catch their disease?

These shows also seem to be an excuse for the lady giants to display their chewy bits and hug their cars, some of them even found the time to give their cars a bath?! One or two of the ladies are even quite pretty!? I didn't mind much though, as I seemed to be more popular than either the cars or chewy bits were, both sexes of giant were interested in me!

I met a baby yellow working car, he was only a pup, but not as playful as I hoped he would be. He stared at me a lot though, maybe he knows my toys?

Sticks and Stones…

2009-07-20T08:36:00.001+01:00

Now that I'm getting out to play, there's so many things to explore. I've found these things called 'sticks' that come from the sky, some of them land upright and start growing.

Sticks call out to me, "carry me" they shout, sometimes it gets a bit confusing when there's so many of them around, I try to keep them all happy, but some have to be left behind, but picking them up quietly whilst moving results in a nice surprise for whoever is with me. Getting the stick comfy in my mouth can be difficult, they like to be carried from one end, with the biggest part sticking out a long way to the side, but they need to be kept as steady as possible, so must keep my head still as I move.

After taking them for a short walk, they need to be taken as quickly as possible to a small patch of grass, where they should be devoured slowly, first removing their skin and then gradually crunching them from one end to the other. If they resist, I must pick them up and shake them madly until they're dizzy, then start chewing again.

Stones are boring, but good to worry giants! Picking them up and scraping them against my teeth seems to induce panic, so I try to pick them up discretely whilst moving, and chewing them when it's most unexpected.

Picking up as many stones and sticks unnoticed whilst moving is a great game, my record so far is two stones and three small sticks before being discovered.

Goodbye Brown, Hello Green!

2009-07-19T07:59:00.000+01:00

I thought I was going parachuting when they strapped me into a little black harness! next thing I know, I'm leaving the smelly old brown carpet behind me as I'm taken through a wilderness of flowers. I was led out of the HQ boundary fence, on to some confusing grey substance underfoot, I can see stones, but I can't pick them up, they're sunk in!?

After sitting for ages on bumpy ground, loud beeps tell me it's ok to run like the wind towards lush, green carpeting filled with goodies to lick, eat, chew or carry. So much to explore, so many things to smell. The green carpet is apparently called "grass", I don't care, it's just great to eat, roll in, grab mouthfulls to carry, and so soft to run and tumble on. The harness chafed a bit though, really makes me itch, and the rope that brings the giant behind me gets a bit tangled round my legs, but it's ace, no more brown!

After a walk for miles and miles, we returned to the HQ via the beepy thing, good, I needed to pee on the brown carpet again.

Sleeprunning

2009-07-18T12:12:00.004+01:00

I was beagle racing, all of us chasing a remote controlled hot dog. I was out in front, even had managed to pick up the most passing things in my mouth, including a large stick, wads of freshly-cut grass and three rubber balls. The finish line was in sight, still in the lead, breathing frantically, legs flailing behind me, but as I approached the finish line, I realised the world ended and there was a huge drop over a cliff.

I straightened my legs, dug in my paws as I skidded over the line, winning but falling, heading for a giant lake of marshmallow topped with sprinkles. As I hit the lake, I awake with a start, upside down and totally exhausted, furry-faced giant laughing at me uncontrollably, how embarrassing.

Still, I'm glad I was on my back and my legs were flailing above me, I might have ended up in the next town over!?

Surround Sound Whistling

2009-07-17T16:22:00.007+01:00

Minigolf
Originally uploaded by Hugh Beauchamp

These giants have a huge, flat cage in the corner with people trapped inside, I can see, and also hear them from my bed. Sometimes they make such a loud noise it wakes me. Although the cage is large, it doesn't seem very deep, but I think there's some kind of portal technology there, as I can see the captives large and then running away into the distance, and I know there's not that much room behind it. (but there is a lot of curly black worms back there, I must investigate later)

My fellow captors in the portal seem to know I'm here though. I was admiring their large green carpet as they hit their little white eggs with sticks, and every so often, I could hear them clearly whistling for me. Now, I'm not positive, but I think they might be trying to escape their cage using a tunnel, as I could hear the sounds of whistling all around me!? It sounds like they're under the fake wood floor, but definitely behind the large black sofa thing the giants don't think I can get up on.

They must have wild animals on their green carpet, as they were speaking about a Tiger, Goosen (must be more than one Goose), and possibly some Elks called Ernie and a Fisher (again, must be more than one Fish). Their spokesman was someone called Peter Alliss, he has a nice, calming voice, it sent me back to sleep, even over the people whistling for me. Doesn't he say "Ailsa Craig" a lot though?

(thanks to Hugh for the use of his photo)

Tough Toys?

2009-07-16T11:12:00.001+01:00

Could I have met my match? The 'tough toy' has arrived, made from heavy duty rubber and multicoloured to try to confuse me. It's made from several parts, all the same shape, linked together, not sure how they've managed that? on first observation, there doesn't appear to be any weak point.

"Nobbly Wobbly" it's called, yeah, I laughed too, not exactly named to be tough now, is it? Maybe they mean tough, as in, a mental stimulant, rather than being hard to destroy? I think I'm supposed to figure out how to untangle the different colours, but how did they tie it like that in the first place? I reckon there's a production line of magicians sitting at a conveyor belt, linking them like those steel rings they have!

On with the testing!

After an hour, the toy was defeated by a technical knockout, as it was taken from me due to the noises I could get it to make with my teeth. The noise just happened to sound conveniently like teeth snapping off! I'm fine though, just thought it was loud and worrying to the giants after the first noise, so I carried on. I'll have to try again though, it took me so long because it doesn't play fair, it bounces in directions that don't make sense to the laws of physics.

It IS quite dense rubber, but I managed to make some very deep gouges in it, I suspect certain colours may be weaker than others as you can see, but I still can't untie it, I'll borrow some anti-tangle shampoo, that might do the trick!?

Self Teleportation

2009-07-15T08:30:00.007+01:00

…or the illusion of anyway. This game requires expert timing, not advised for beginners or those still learning to waddle. This works best when only an audience of one can appreciate it.

Some preparation for this may be necessary, although not essential. To get the best effect, place your toys in various locations where they can easily be seen by the victim, but not too far apart that you can't get reach them in time… all will be explained.
Wait patiently until the unsuspecting victim's back is turned or they look away for at least three seconds, strike a pose and wait. When they turn around, sit perfectly still but maintain eye contact. I find sitting bolt upright with a toy just hanging from your mouth works best, but you can also try lying on your back feet in air, looking at them upside down (not too close to them though, as they can't resist giving a tummy tickle if too near them).

Now comes the hard bit. Remain in this pose until they look away again, then, you must quietly, but as fast as you can, make your way to your second location, grab the next toy and strike a pose yet again. It can either be the same pose or the complete opposite from before, but make sure you're perfectly still again before they turn back. This can be repeated as often as you wish, you can even use the same toy for each pose, it's the location change that gives the effect of self teleportation. Quickly but quietly remember!

Get some friends over, explain the rules to them, and teleport as a group, that'll really freak them out!

smell follows noise…

2009-07-14T18:07:00.010+01:00

Now, I like my food, but the lamb and rice concoction has some odd side-effects…

There I was, lying in bed, planning my next attack on the standy-up toys, when there was this loud 'pffwwt' noise from behind me!? I immediately became aware of an unbearable odor, I did the only sensible thing I could think of quickly… I ran!

I skidded across the fake wood floor into the great hall, finally gaining speed when my feet hit the brown fluffy stuff, but it had followed me, I could smell it stronger than ever. I ran to the door, nope, still there, ran all the way to the back door, nope, still bad, back into the first room, I can't shake this smell? As I ran back out, I noticed the two giants were suffering too, one was almost unconscious, whilst the other seemed to be writhing in agony, folded over and crying!

I finally managed to lose it by sneaking under the edge of the big bed cover, it couldn't find me under there.

Another One Bites the Dust

2009-07-13T17:38:00.005+01:00

A purple rubber ring with a shoe and a rugby ball moulded into it? Hmm, as I have a soft spot for shoes, guess where the weak point will likely be?

20 minutes, toy removed, one shoe shredded to point of flappiness! I was disappointed, the laces were fake!!

That's me with the work-in-progress about 10 mins in with the big paw pinning it steady.

Alien Abduction?

2009-07-12T13:00:00.002+01:00

I was wakened and bundled into the red tank, tied down and then subjected to some kind of gravity altering technology. I was thrown from side to side, up and down, but it didn't take me long to figure out how to combat this strange feeling. Lying down seemed to reduce the effects, they'll have to try harder than that!

We arrived at the large warehouse again, but I was taken into a cell to meet a funny-looking creature with a smooth head and green body all over, he spoke like an alien, not even the giants were able to understand him! Before I know it, I've been stuck in the neck with a sharp object, some kind of seditive I bet! Everything got a little dreamy after that, I remember the alien looking into my eyes, trying to stick his fingers in them, then he inserted some kind of tracking device in my back, I hope it's a GPS transmitter so I can find my way around.

I don't really want to talk about this any more, they did horrible things with a probe, nasty aliens! A small biscuit didn't really make up for that sort of personal attack!

Evil Tricks Whilst Sleeping

2009-07-09T12:56:00.001+01:00

Whilst guarding the Stair Gate to prevent the cats' return, I inadvertently fell asleep, well, it's hard work this guarding! As I woke, I spotted something out of the corner of my eye… someone had been evil and twisted as I slept and had glued some strange, hairy black and white dangly thing to my back end!? Now, I'm not sure if it was the giants or the evil cat twins, but either way, it's a sick joke to play on a sleeping pup!

I can't quite reach it, but whilst trying, the furry-faced giant laughed at me and mentioned something about a "Tail", so I suspect it was him. I'll remember that, he'll pay later! Meanwhile, I must try to remove this odd object.

I chased it for ages, but at last, I managed to grab it with my teeth. I increased my grip whilst spinning wildly, like a tiny demolition ball, sending things flying in all directions. Each time my grip improves, I feel a sharp pain from behind? I think they've rigged it up with some kind of pressure sensitive torture device. I may have to rethink this, but I will continue my efforts every day until I'm free of this oddity.

Cat Cloning

2009-07-08T07:34:00.003+01:00

Earlier this morning, the cat re-emerged from the Stair Gate, but my fears of the device have been confirmed. The cat was followed by another, it looks like the Gate clones things. This clone looks almost identical, definitley the same DNA, yet it's much larger and WAY fatter!

The clone seems to be less bothered by me, a side-effect of the duplication process no doubt, but he moves much slower and doesn't run away immediately like the original, although he has a shifty look about him, definitely more cunning too. My only worry is that they both return through the Gate and multiply even further. I must position myslef beween them and their exit, to ensure there's no more cloning occurs.

Further Toy Testing Techniques

2009-07-07T14:04:00.005+01:00

The secret to destroying any toy quickly is to concentrate on one area only. Continued knawing, pulling and plenty drool for softening the targetted area. A constant and ongoing nibble should produce the desired damage in the shortest time. This results in inferior toys being removed and better, more expensive ones arriving in their place.

Tip: if the material of the toys is too tough even for drool, leave them in unseen places, around corners, just outside doors, etc to allow giants to soften the material by standing on them. If you're sleeping, you can be alerted to the successful mission if the toy has a built-in squeaker, doubling as an alarm clock for those sleepier puppies amongst us.

Laying a Minefield

2009-07-06T10:01:00.000+01:00

I've decided to invent some new games to play with these giants, I'm using the one with the furry face to experiment with.

The rules of this game are simple, the player must be in bare feet or socks, I wait until their back is turned for 2 seconds, then I pee amidst the pattern of the carpet… and wait! Sitting just beyond the mine in wait works extremely well, they have to come close to check on me, phase one complete.

As the roll of paper and spray smell remover come out, the next mine must be layed. Depending on how long the spray and paper takes, there may be a chance to lay multiple mines, especially if there is a sock-change or foot-wash break involved.

The aim of the game is to score points for times feet have to be washed or pairs of socks consumed in one day, double points for managing to conceal a poo in the carpet pattern (splat mines), triple points for getting both feet simultaneously or soaking a knee after the first mine was discovered. This game can also be played during the night when mine laying can be done easily and in large quantities, my tip for great results - mines next to slippers are extremely cunning and 100% success rate guaranteed!

Take your partner by the nose…

2009-07-03T18:06:00.000+01:00

Some further toy testing has revealed that the yellow smiley ball is proving difficult to remove the smile OR the stare, but I did temporarily silence its incessant squeaking at me. The giant that's good with these gadgets seems to have fixed it again, but I know its weak point now, it won't take long to re-silence it.

The duck, however is proving more stubborn. It still insists on defying me, sometimes in bed and quite often on the brown floor. I experimented today with some dancing, some spinning moves with the odd toss in the air. It's weakening, the growling and barking seems to be unnerving it. My grip also is taking its toll.

The odd smell now realised

2009-07-01T14:03:00.002+01:00

I was asleep, kind of dreaming, but I could smell this familiar, yet elusive scent once more. The same one I've been sensing since I arrived here. I slowly opened my eyes to reveal the source of the stench, a cat! Granted, really dopey-looking one, but a black and white cat just the same.

He had an advantage over me, he was much bigger, with skinny, gangly legs, and was towering over me. I calmly said "hello" with a polite sniff, he replied tentatively, but then there was the refusal to play. Unacceptable in my book, every time I tried to get closer for a better look, he backed away, some kind of cat game I'll bet? I guess I'm supposed to join in, so I keep moving, getting faster and closer, we're in the hall, turning left, right, under, over, he makes a run for it to the main entrance, a cunning and nimble left turn then he disappeared completely??? I reckon he went through that Stair Gate thing, my research is incomplete on that subject, so I'll leave it for now, he'll keep until another time he enters this realm.

Butter Melting Torture?

2009-06-29T14:55:00.003+01:00

It sounds like they're going to attempt some new kind of torture method on me soon. Shortly after I'd successfully completed my mission to pee on every floor surface in their HQ, twice in a row too, they hadn't even finished cleaning up the first two when I'd finished, but anyway…

I heard the giants telling each other that "butter wouldn't melt in my mouth"? Now, I'm not sure what butter actually is, but I'm ready to resist anything they can throw at me, I have the stare to melt them right back!

Standy-up Toys

2009-06-27T08:00:00.002+01:00

These toys have no respect! I turn my back for two seconds and they're standing up in defiance. If it wasn't bad enough that the yellow ball stares at me, laughing all the time, now the others have joined in!?

The duck sits up and glares, the chewy dog leans nonchalantly against the wall, they've even started standing on each other to try to make themsleves taller, so I can't get them. I'll show them though, I'll just keep pouncing on them, or knocking them over as I go past. They will not get the better of me!